IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Old people suffer from loneliness and health related problem. What are the causes behind this.

#people #loneliness #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is an ongoing discussion about why seniors struggle with loneliness and health problems.
This
 essay will describe the actual causes and solutions. The anatomical structure of human beings has an ageing factor which appears in the physical condition of the body. Ageing mutates the real construction of skeleton and muscles,
as well as
, skin and internal organs.
This
 is because , health issues become critical , because of unhealthy lifestyles and genetic factors in elderly people.
On the other hand
, loneliness prevents serotonin production leading to depression and anxiety. The fear of being replaced in society creates an unhappy older generation leads seniors to get into depression and makes them feel lonely. In order to solve existing matters there is an excellent technique used in China, which is called"Tha I Chi". Using simple body movements in sync one can reach a flexible body.
This
 exercise uses specific folklore music.
Thus
, it is crucial that all training should be held in nature or outdoors. One of the benefits of
this
 technique is that the practice of certain moves is repeated regularly.
Furthermore
, group interaction motivates the mindset to complete actions without giving up.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 it’s recommended by world-class professors that old people should take care of their diet and maintain a balance of nutrition. In conclusion, feeling lonely and struggling with health matters can be common for people that old. To prevent ageing creating a peaceful and interactive environment is a must. All the things would be more efficient with the help of a professional schedule of dieting.
Submitted by musayevjahangir on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to maintain clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words to better connect ideas and paragraphs, thereby enhancing the readability of your essay.
task achievement
To further improve task achievement, incorporate more detailed and specific examples to support each point. This helps in elaborating on the causes and solutions provided.
task achievement
Keep working on developing a clear and direct answer to the essay question in the introduction and a summary of your points in the conclusion for stronger task achievement.
structural organization
Your essay presents a well-defined structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You have successfully identified both causes and solutions related to the issue of elderly loneliness and health problems, effectively addressing the task requirements.
language use
The essay effectively uses complex sentences and demonstrates a decent range of vocabulary related to the topic, contributing positively to task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: