IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many office authorities impose a restriction on smoking within the office premises. Some governments have even banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea but it takes away some of our freedom. What is your opinion?

#office #authorities #restriction #premises #governments #places #idea #freedom
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Most of the workplaces have put restrictions on smoking within the work area.
Also
,official authorities have prohibited vaping in public areas.
Although
 some people think that it is a great idea,others think that somehow it removes freedom.I
also
 believe in the former notion. To commence with, cigars are not good for health.To explain it,
while
 community vape in common citizen places ,they are not only affecting their own health but risking other's well-being as well.
For example
,in an occupation building
while
 individuals are working they already have enough stress ,
in addition
, if they inhale smoke it can lead to chronic diseases like cancer.
Furthermore
,sometimes pregnant ladies are
also
 present working so in
this
 atmosphere their baby's fitness will be affected.
Besides
 that, in public places, so many older people come ,if they enter a smoke-filled area not good for them.
As a result
,banning it is a step to save physical fitness.For Certain demographics, it is against their democracy because they are addicted to it whenever they feel stressed they use
this
 product to calm themselves but do not realise it is a kind of drug which is not good for them so imposing a ban on these things the government is trying to help them so they can stay away from
this
 kind of products.
Further
 shifting toward the final view it affect the environment.To explicate ,after smoking folk throw it on roads and sometimes animals consume it which leads to infection in their bodies.
Moreover
,a few times it is seen that after smoking they just dump it in garbage bins which has led to big fires.
For instance
, back in 2020 ,one multinational company building caught fire because somebody smoked and left the ash near his wooden table.
Hence
, it is better to block smoking in the workroom.
To conclude
,
although
 it is a kind of restriction on some population democracy ,
however
,it is better for society's well-being.
Submitted by nandnilekhi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

sentence structure
Ensure to vary your sentence structures to make your essay more engaging. While your sentences are mostly clear, a greater variety of complex structures could enhance readability.
vocabulary usage
Attempt to paraphrase more effectively in your introduction. Using synonyms and rephrasing your sentences can demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary and a stronger grasp of the language.
argument strength
In discussing examples, strive to link them back to your main argument more explicitly. This not only strengthens your position but also aids in clarity and coherence.
idea presentation
Be mindful of repetition of ideas or phrases. Aim to present each point distinctly without redundancy. This helps in keeping the reader engaged and maintaining a clear progression of ideas.
cohesion
Consider integrating transitional phrases more smoothly. While your essay shows a good structure, seamless transitions can help in reinforcing the flow of your arguments.
balanced argument
Your essay presents a balanced view, addressing both sides before stating your opinion, which is excellent for task response.
example usage
You provided specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.
introduction conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively structured, offering a clear overview of your position and summarizing your main points well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: