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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that modern games can help children develop a wide range of skills, but others argue that traditional games can be much better for developing such skills. TO what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Part of society believes that modern
games
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 can give rise to the
development
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 of a vast number of
skills
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while
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 others argue that traditional
games
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 do better in that aspect. In my conviction, these new
games
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 only develop
computer
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skills
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while
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 jeopardising the health of the individual
whereas
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 the old-time physical
games
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, improve mental and physical
skills
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 a lot.
Hence
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,
this
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 writer wholeheartedly agrees with the notion traditional
games
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 improve
skills
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 better than modernized
games
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. First and foremost, most of the newly innervated leisure activities are harming the young generation more than their skill
development
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.These
games
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 are either involved with a
computer
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 or a screen, leaving the child without major physical activity ,to glance at a screen all the time,
moreover
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, they are highly addictive in nature,
thus
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 compromising other works of the children
while
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 harming the eyesight and, prone them into a higher risk of non-communicable diseases.
For example
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,
according to
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a
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apply
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recent research done by Oxford University ,nearly 35% of students under 15 years of age were addicted to
computer
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games
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 in London , and 90% of them are obese with a higher risk for
non-cummunicable
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non-communicable
 diseases in their adult life.
Although
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 people have argued that these
games
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 improve
computer
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skills
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, they do harm more than that.
Furthermore
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, ground and field
games
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 as in the old times, involve
with
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apply
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mind and body
come
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and come
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 with a whole package of
skills
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 ; digging pathways to career opportunities . When somebody plays a game like football, they have to use their mind to have a better outcome other than their physical work;
skills
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 like communication, leadership and team management will built in them involuntarily.
For instance
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, companies like Google , Facebook and Amazon check for the sports activities of their applicants when they select new recruits for them.
Thus
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, sports of old times still do better to the children in skill
development
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 and helping to their careers. In conclusion, the modern
computer
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 and video
games
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 compromise the younger generation in many ways
while
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old-timet
Correct your spelling
old-time
old-times
 sports activities build important
skills
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 for them which serve them better in their later career life.
Thus
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 ,
this
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 writer has
in
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apply
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the firm notion that traditional
games
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 are much better for
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development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of
skills
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 in children

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Coherence & Cohesion
Try to ensure a smoother flow between ideas and paragraphs with more varied transitional phrases. This will enhance the connectivity and make the argument even more cohesive.
Task Achievement
While your essay presents a clear position and reasoned argument, incorporating a wider scope of examples and evidence could further strengthen your task achievement score. Consider exploring how modern games could also foster specific skills beneficial in certain contexts.
Introduction & Conclusion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that outline your position effectively, demonstrating good structure.
Supported Main Points
Your arguments are supported with specific examples like the study from Oxford University, which solidifies your main points and provides a strong basis for your opinion.
Complete Response
Your essay addresses the topic comprehensively, reflecting a good understanding and clear response to the task.
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