IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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With the advancement of technology, young adults
use
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 digital devices like
smartphones
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 daily. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will explain why they
use
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smartphones
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 daily and what are impacts of
this
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 phenomenon
.
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are.
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To begin
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 with, there are two main reasons why
children
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use
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 per day.
Firstly
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,
smartphones
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 provide a wide range of programs and applications, which are appealing to young adults;
for example
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, not only can
children
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 watch their
favorite
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favourite
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 animations for free, but they
also
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 play online video games like GTA.
Secondly
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, in the modern world,
children
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 rely on
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 as a tool for getting educational information. When
children
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 need data for school
project
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projects
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, homework, and general learning, they turn to GOOGLE;
therefore
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, it is important for them to
use
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 the
smartphone
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 every day for educational purposes.
Although
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,
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apply
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 the usage of
smartphones
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 can be beneficial, the negative aspects of
this
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 development outweigh its positive ones. In fact, extensive usage of
smartphones
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 leads to
loosing
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losing
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eye sight
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eyesight
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. Blue light which is emitted from
smartphones
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 is very harmful
for
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to
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eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
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, so the extensive usage of
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 hurts
children
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’s eyes. Mentally,
children
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 who are addicted to spending too much
tome
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time
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 on
the
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apply
show examples
smartphones
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 are more likely to experience isolation.
Children
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 who
use
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Use synonyms
smartphone
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smartphones
show examples
 daily do not tend to communicate with family members and friends, leading to a sense of loneliness. In conclusion, I take the view that
children
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 as
hobby
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hobbies
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 and learning
tool
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tools
show examples
use
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Use synonyms
smartphone
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smartphones
show examples
. sitting in front of the screens too much time has negative impacts on
children
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 mentally and physically. The less
the
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they
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use
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 their
smartphone
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, the more benefits they will gain.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Example Specificity
Consider expanding on the examples provided, making them more specific to strengthen your argument. This will help clarify how the daily use of smartphones impacts children.
Sentence Complexity
Work on varying your sentence structure to include more complex forms. This enriches your writing style and demonstrates a higher level of English competency.
Proofreading
Try to proofread your work to catch and correct minor errors in grammar and spelling. This attention to detail can improve the overall quality of your essay.
Structure
You've done a good job outlining the main reasons why children use smartphones and the potential negative impacts, showing a well-considered structure.
Balance
By addressing both sides of the argument, you demonstrate an understanding of the complexity of the issue, which is a positive aspect of your argumentation.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion neatly frame the essay, providing a clear opening and a definitive stance in the conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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