IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should make efforts in reducing environmental pollution and housing problems To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statements?

#people #illness #disease #governments #efforts #pollution #statements
In today's world, diseases are fast increasing, and new ones are emerging.
However
, some argue that the government should focus on pollution and housing issues in order to prevent sickness. It's somewhat true, in my perspective. In
this
 essay, I shall express my clear opinion.
To begin
, infections are primarily caused by pollution and drainage concerns. The increasing number of motor vehicles emitting toxic gases has an impact on both persons and the environment. The department should undertake vehicle fitness testing and apply hefty fines. Authorities should work to increase public transportation options, which will limit the use of private vehicles.
As a result
, the frequency of owned automobiles will decrease. Aside from that, domestic equipment
such
 as refrigerators and ovens simulate polluted gasses, contributing to the depletion of ozone layers.All of these have an impact on human life, and some potentially endanger it. Explaining other points in favour
with
Change preposition
of
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this
 statement is the residential sector
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
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 to major illness.
For instance
, when housing projects are made by property companies, it will increase the number of rubbish being thrown in the cities.
Consequently
, if the
governments
Add a verb
governments are
governments were
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 unable to tackle
with
Change preposition
apply
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this
 situation, it will become the major
factors
Fix the agreement mistake
factor
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 of serious diseases
such
 as malaria, dengue fever and tuberculosis that
are cause
Change the verb form
are caused
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 by virus infection. To summarise, it is true that the reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 dangerous diseases comes from housing problems and human pollution. The best approaches to deal with it are to educate people about its damaging effects and
thus
 for the government to take
a
Correct article usage
apply
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serious action
upon
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 matter.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a well-structured argument, making good use of logical connectors. However, consider varying your sentence structures for added sophistication.
task achievement
Introduce more specific examples and data to strengthen your argument. This will add depth and persuasiveness to your essay.
grammar
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors and try to correct them. While these do not significantly impact readability, polishing them can enhance the overall clarity of your message.
introduction and conclusion
You successfully introduced and concluded your essay, providing a clear stance on the given topic.
logical structure
You effectively used paragraphing to organise your ideas, which enhances the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
relevance to prompt
Your essay focuses on relevant issues related to the topic, demonstrating a good understanding of the task requirements.
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