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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are told they can achieve anything if they work hard. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #work #message
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In today's era, some cultures make
children
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 believe that if they
work
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 hard they can achieve anything, and sometimes that doesn'
t
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 go well for a
lot
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 of
children
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,
this
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 is because maybe they don'
t
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 have the same
opportunities
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 or only
work
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 hard in class hours, and they won'
t
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 put in the extra
work
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 or don'
t
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 have consistency.
Overall
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,
this
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 essay will try to deconstruct that idea to make it efficient.
This
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 ideology is excellent if the
children
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work
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 hard, even when they do not need to. Still, there are a
lot
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 of disadvantages because maybe life doesn'
t
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 have planned “success” for those
children
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. They get an unfortunate surprise, speaking about the
children
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 of my society, who have great
opportunities
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 and advantages. If they
work
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 hard, they can land a good job and, in the future, maybe become entrepreneurs. But there are some cases when they may come from bad backgrounds, and even if they
work
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 extremely hard, they can get sucked into the world of crime, and drugs or even die in the process, There are a
lot
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 of studies saying that in poor communities, thirty
percent
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per cent
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 of young men and women don'
t
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 make the age of 25. I believe that working hard can get you to achieve whatever you can, but in some forms, it isn'
t
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 applied as it should be. There are a
lot
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 of famous stories of people who make it from nothing,
such
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 as Lionel Messi or even Tiger Woods, but like those two who were successful in their respective careers, there are millions that couldn'
t
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 make it or didn'
t
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 find the right chances and
opportunities
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 to support themselves.
This
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 is something a
lot
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 of people do not take into consideration, Some believe that if they
work
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 hard, they can get anything, but without luck,
opportunities
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, and the intelligence to know what you want your life to look like, you will achieve nothing. I believe a
lot
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 in a phrase that says, “Words are only words until taken into action.” The actor Denzel says that goals are only dreams without action and if you do not take action, you will end up in disappointment and failure.
This
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 essay is based on the idea that working hard can get you to achieve whatever you want, but in some forms, it isn'
t
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 applied as it should be and if those cultures apply it in a way that has the tools,
opportunities
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, and consistency, the idea becomes an ideology, and it can change lives, but if they only believe in the working hard part they may get
further
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 from where they were before, but they will not achieve as much as they would with all the other factors taken into consideration.
Submitted by patriciareyesfiguero on

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Structure
To enhance coherence, ensure a more structured connection between ideas. Break down your essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct argument or example supporting your main points.
Examples
Further support your arguments with detailed, specific examples. While referencing Lionel Messi and Tiger Woods is a good start, elaborating on these examples or adding more can provide a stronger base for your claims.
Balance
Try to address both sides of the argument equally to fully meet the task's requirements. While you've discussed the limitations of the 'hard work leads to success' ideology, incorporating more about its positive impacts can offer a more balanced view.
Thesis
You've effectively communicated your central thesis, acknowledging the complexity of the issue.
Real-life Examples
The use of real-life examples like Lionel Messi and Tiger Woods helps to ground your argument in reality.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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