IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree

#money #businesses #responsibilities
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In contemporary times, whether enterprises' top priority is generating profit or making a social contribution remains a source of controversy. It seems to me that
while
Linking Words
 earning money is a primary purpose, they should
also
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 conduct their business in a socially responsible manner. On the one hand, the idea of maximizing profits is beneficial to some extent.
Firstly
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, the more revenue a firm gains, the greater the amount of taxes they contribute to the government.
This
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 source of money can be a boon to development and facilitate renovation infrastructure, and invest in the development of social welfare regimes
such
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 as health, education, and environment. That contributes to improving the quality of society, so citizens can have a better life.
Secondly
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, the more the business of the corporation advances, the more job opportunities for employees. That could solve the unemployment problem.
On the other hand
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, companies should not be run with the sole aim of maximizing profit; they have a wider role to play in society. One social obligation that owners and managers should have is to provide a well-utilized and living wage work environment for their employees
instead
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 of exploiting their
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
. I
also
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 agree that businesses can use a proportion of their profits to launch social campaigns to help the less fortunate.
For example
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, Unilever and Vinamilk group awards numerous scholarships each year to disadvantaged students to allow them to complete their studies. Indeed, they can have more job opportunities to improve their life. In conclusion,
although
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 I agree that earning money is vital, companies
also
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 must have social responsibilities within their sphere of influence.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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task achievement
Try to develop your ideas further with more diverse examples and deeper analysis to enhance comprehension and impact.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to improve the flow of your essay
introduction
Your introduction clearly presented the essay's thesis, setting a strong foundation for your argument.
task response
Your essay provided a balanced view, discussing both sides of the argument effectively.
supporting examples
You successfully used relevant examples to support your points, making your argument more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social responsibilities
  • Corporate social responsibility
  • Ethical behavior
  • Societal impact
  • Stakeholders
  • Profit-driven
  • Public perception
  • Environmental sustainability
  • Community development
  • Human rights
  • Workplace safety
  • Altruism
  • Balanced approach
  • Accountability
  • Consumer loyalty
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