IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environment pollution . To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today's digital era, there are some new technological devices in order to serve the individual’s daily life.
Otherwise
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, these benefits cause some problems, which cause a rise in illness and disease ratio, which is prevented by governments in many countries by concentrating on reducing
pollution
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 and the greenhouse effect. In
this
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 essay, I totally agree with
this
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 statement.
Firstly
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, there are some new technologies in the transportation fields that are
exhaustedby
Correct your spelling
exhausted by
exhausted
alarge
Correct your spelling
a large
large
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of emissions that pollute the environment.
This
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 makes
people
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 have no atmosphere to breathe and harms their health. To improve
this
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 and deal with
this
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 problem, many governments in the world should focus on reducing emissions because when we decrease
this
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,
this
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 will improve the atmosphere quality for
people
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 and contribute to reducing the greenhouse effect and global warming on public health.
For example
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, many countries
such
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 as Vietnam, Singapore and Laos, are using the environmental protection policy on many companies that exhaust some emissions in order to reduce air
pollution
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.
As a result
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,
people
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 live healthier and more comfortably, and the illness ratio
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreases
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 rapidly,
this
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 has a positive effect on an individual’s daily life.
Secondly
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, reducing environmental
pollution
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 can increase the
country
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’s efficiency.
This
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 is because, when the citizen’s health is improved,
people
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 have enough strength to do many things which are helpful and contribute to making their
country
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 better. Because of
this
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,
this
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country
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 will have a high development and get accuracy or goal more easily.
As a result
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, in many developing countries
such
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 as the USA, China and Russia, their companies will focus on a healthy environment’s work.
This
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 is because
,
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apply
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 the staff’s accuracy depends on the environment so they work effectively
due to
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 their healthy environment.
Therefore
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, a good area will develop the
country
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. In conclusion, governments should reduce the
pollution
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 and disease ratio in order to improve their
country
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.

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Task Achievement
Make sure your essay directly addresses the topic. The introduction should clearly state your position. Reference the specific topic in the prompt for clarity.
Task Achievement
Use relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. While discussing countries focusing on environmental policies is good, more specific examples related to the impact of these policies on reducing diseases could enhance your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the clarity and coherence of your essay. Ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next, using linking words effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid generalizations and ensure precision in your language. For example, when talking about technology's impact on health, be specific about which technologies and how they directly contribute to illness.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which aids readability.
Task Achievement
You effectively express agreement with the given statement and maintain your position throughout the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • chronic conditions
  • regulatory measures
  • environmental policies
  • pollution reduction
  • global warming
  • preventive approaches
  • reactive approaches
  • public health
  • community involvement
  • innovative solutions
  • cost-benefit analysis
  • environmental pollution
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