Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they age, while others think they should stay home with family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays,
Adults
in some countries have the choice whether
staying
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to stay
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at home or live alone.
While
some argue that offspring to live alone when they grow up , others advocate that they should sit with their family. In
this
essay , I will discuss
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both arguments. From my perspective, I completely agree with the second view with some supervision from their parent. On the one hand, various
parents
advise their youngsters to live alone when they become
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
because of several reasons.
Firstly
, living without a family may teach the
adults
to become independent and
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngsters are becoming responsible for paying bills
such
as phones,
electricity
Correct word choice
and electricity
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and renting a place to sit in. Another positive reason for leaving homes and
sit
Wrong verb form
sitting
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alone is that
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
adults
to grow early and start their own careers which
help
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helps
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them to start their own
life
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lives
show examples
.
For example
, the adult
try
Change the verb form
tries
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to find a job vacancy to earn his
livings
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living
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. All these positives could help the
adults
to be benefit for his family and society, too.
On the other hand
, other
parents
argue about taking care of their sons and daughters by keeping them staying after age at home.
This
opinion
also
has some pros because it provides more care and interest for
adults
from the
parents
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parent's
parents'
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side.
For example
,
the
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apply
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young people could get
the
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apply
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financial support
as well as
the
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apply
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spirt
Correct your spelling
spirit
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one
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apply
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.
In other words
, when there is a problem, the
parents
will help them to solve it.
In addition
, they can get
the
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apply
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enough protection from being
upuse
Correct your spelling
abused
from
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by
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other
persons
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people
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in
the
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apply
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society.
Finally
, by taking care of offspring,
the
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apply
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society could live in
safety
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a safe
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place.
To sum up
, Keeping youngsters with
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
or giving them the chance to identify the life by leaving them alone
is depended
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depends
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on the
parents
' attitude and their
culture
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cultural
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background
as well as
their faith.As
,
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apply
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I mentioned before, I believe in allowing
the
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apply
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adults
to live alone without
cuting gheir
Correct your spelling
cutting their
relationship with their
parents
and to get
the
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apply
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support whenever they
need
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need it
show examples
.
Submitted by monahhj123 on

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Task Achievement
Remember to clarify your main ideas more distinctly, ensuring your opinion is clearly stated throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Offer more specific examples to support your arguments. This helps in making your points clearer and more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the organization of your essay by using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs. This helps the reader understand the main idea of each paragraph right from the start.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly by using a variety of linking words and cohesive devices. This enhances readability and flow.
Task Achievement
You've covered both views and provided your personal opinion, aligning well with the essay prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a good framework for your essay.
Task Achievement
You made an effort to discuss benefits and drawbacks for each viewpoint, offering a balanced discussion.
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