IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many people believe that it is the responsibility of first world nations to help other countries. Others, however, feel that these countries have their own problems and should help themselves first. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #responsibility #first #world #nations #countries
Many people opine that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
show examples
nations
 are responsible for providing their assistance to other less developed
countries
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 there are some individuals who opine in another way in more detail they believe that these
countries
 have their own responsibilities and habitats with needs that
shouldnt
Correct your spelling
shouldn't
 be left without attention. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will try to discuss both views and express my own opinion.
Its
Replace the word
It's
It is
show examples
 undeniable that there are always some
countries
 with much better conditions for life
in contrast
 with other less improved ones. Some
countries
 may prioritize education
while
 others may have higher salaries for certain jobs, but sadly enough there are plenty of
countries
 that are way behind in terms of infrastructure,
healthcare
, and
overall
 quality of life. It is important to recognize the disparities between developed and developing
countries
 in order to address the needs of those who are less fortunate and promote equality.
For example
,
countries
 like Norway and Switzerland are often ranked as having high standards of living
due to
 their excellent
healthcare
 systems and strong economies.
On the other hand
,
countries
 in Africa face challenges
such
 as limited
access
 to clean water and
healthcare
 services leading to higher rates of poverty and disease. It is crucial for the global community to work together to bridge the gap between developed and developing
nations
, ensuring that everyone has
access
 to basic necessities for a better quality of life.
However
, it is worth noting that not all developed
countries
 prioritize the needs of their less fortunate citizens.
For example
,
although
 the United States has a high
overall
 quality of living, there are differences in the population's
access
 to basic needs
due to
 the country's large income imbalance and lack of
healthcare
 for all. In order to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inequality, wealthy
countries
 must address inequalities inside their own borders
in addition
 to helping poor
nations
 improve
access
 to
healthcare
. Efforts to advance global health equality fall apart when underprivileged
people'
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 needs inside their own
nations
 are ignored. Developed
countries
 can provide a powerful example for other
countries
 to follow by concentrating on improving
healthcare
 and lowering economic inequality within their own borders.
This
 not only promotes global health equality but
also
 promotes
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 equal
communityfor
Correct your spelling
community for
 all citizens.
Submitted by madinabonu.bm on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Try to ensure a balanced discussion of both views before stating your own opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use clearer and more varied transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas.
Task Achievement
Introduce specific examples to support your points more effectively.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good grasp of the global disparity issue and how developed countries can act.
Task Achievement
You made an effort to discuss both views, which is crucial for this type of essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally logical and easy to follow, making your arguments clear.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • moral obligation
  • economic stability
  • overcoming poverty
  • improving education
  • health crises
  • global interconnectedness
  • worldwide stability and prosperity
  • homelessness
  • unemployment
  • inequality
  • external assistance
  • dependency
  • self-reliance
  • collaborative approach
  • ethical responsibility
  • global welfare
  • domestic obligations
What to do next:
Look at other essays: