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Band 6.5

Some believe students should not use smartphones at schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #students #smartphones #schools
Nowadays, more and more local people think young offspring should not
use
 a dial at the academy.
This
 writer agrees with that statement and will prove their reasons about the effects of screens on children and
also
 many teenagers. On the one hand, nowadays more and more parents buy a phone for their children and
additionally
, their offspring carry it or
use
 it at the academy. Telephones have a range of impacts.
Such
 as it spreads harmful bream.
As a consequence
, children's eyes are damaged but
nevertheless
, nowadays people using phones
also
 is increasing.
For instance
, these years more and more people
use
 contact in Canada. It creases by ten per cent once a year.
On the other hand
, screens have another impact that offspring value telephones
also
 they value them at faculty and their grades decrease by the day. It damages their future and if they do not stop using the dial they never enter university
also
 they will not find work. These years it thing very increasing in my country but not only in my country it creases all over the world. In conclusion, in my opinion, a parent should not give the telephone to their offspring. Whenever their offspring achieve success and if they have got work afterwards parents give them the phone.
For instance
, I am a student and I do not
use
 the call-up at school and I do not have it. Whenever I will be a father , I do not buy screens for my offspring.
Submitted by saydusmonovasomiddin94 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on developing clearer topic sentences for your paragraphs to make the structure more apparent to the reader.
task achievement
Provide more concrete examples and details to support your arguments, which will strengthen your task achievement score.
task achievement
Pay attention to the terminology and ensure that you use the correct terms ('smartphone' instead of 'dial' or 'phone'), to avoid confusion.
task achievement
Try to clarify your argument by directly addressing the essay question in both your introduction and conclusion. This makes your position clearer to the reader.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the topic, which is good for task response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a recognizable structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which supports coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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