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Band 4

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little impact on public health and measures are required. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #impact #measures
Staying healthy is the main goal of
people
 around the world. Some
people
 argue that in order to improve the health of
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 public, the best way is to increase the number of local sports amenities. I believe, that taking
consideration
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into consideration
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 of other important factors plays a great role
for
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in
show examples
 maintaining
a
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apply
show examples
good health and
overall
well being
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well-being
show examples
. On the one hand, if the government should open more sports facilities in the local areas like in public parks, it will help
people
 to stay healthy and fit. Installing
of
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apply
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basic gym equipment in the parks will encourage more and more
people
 to use them.
Mostly
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Most
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people
 do not join specific gyms because they
don’t
Verb problem
can’t
show examples
 afford their membership
fee
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fees
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.
For example
, when
people
 do not have to pay any fee for using these tools
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 they will be encouraged to use them regularly and that will help them to manage their weight as well.
Also
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Also,
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 other facilities like
opening
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the opening
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 of swimming pools and installation of
basket ball
Correct your spelling
basketball
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 courts will help
people
 to generate their interest in these games.
On the contrary
, other
group
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groups
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 of
people
 are in favour of different effective steps that can be taken. Awareness campaigns should be run by the government to impart knowledge regarding the detrimental impacts of smoking, drugs and
intake
Correct article usage
the intake
show examples
 of frozen food.
People
 need to be educated regarding the benefits of fresh and healthy food. Products that are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 health need to be more expensive and some of them should be banned from use. More tax should be imposed on these items
for instance
 on the pack of
cigarette
Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
show examples
 and on the packed food to discourage
people
 for their purchase. In conclusion,
although
 both of the points have strong arguments and it is beneficial to expand the fitness areas locally, I am still convinced of the fact that
people
 must be educated about the disastrous effects of the products they are consuming and rather should increase the intake of
nutritional
Add an article
a nutritional
show examples
 diet.
Submitted by harleenarora620 on

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task achievement
Work on developing a clearer and more concise thesis statement that directly addresses the question.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Make sure to directly address the essay question in the conclusion, succinctly summarizing your opinion supported by the discussion in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Increase the variety and accuracy of your vocabulary to better express specific ideas and examples.
task achievement
Pay close attention to the prompt and ensure all parts of the question are fully answered, including discussing both views and giving your own opinion.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with distinct introduction, body, and conclusion sections.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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