IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

in many countries people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing populaiton outweigh the disadvantages? give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#countries #people #population #governments #society #populaiton
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Due to
Linking Words
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
show examples
 in technology,
people
Use synonyms
 now are able to live longer than before. Whilst many think that
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
 population has more problems for the government, I believe that having older
people
Use synonyms
 in
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 is more beneficial, and
this
Linking Words
 has more
poitives
Correct your spelling
positives
positive
 than drawbacks. One of the
advantage
Change to a plural noun
advantages
show examples
 of more old
people
Use synonyms
 in society is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 these
people
Use synonyms
 are full of experience, and they will share their experiences of life with young individuals. Young
people
Use synonyms
 will always have something new to learn from their elders.
Moreover
Linking Words
, grandparents have influence in families, they with their right guidance and expert advice are able to solve many problems,
also
Linking Words
 they always help their children and
grand children
Correct your spelling
grandchildren
show examples
 to follow
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 direction and path in life.
In addition
Linking Words
, they are the best
care takers
Correct your spelling
caretakers
show examples
 of their
grand children
Correct your spelling
grandchildren
show examples
 when parents are not able to monitor them. If we talk about old employees in various companies, older
people
Use synonyms
 are more loyal and reliable
Linking Words
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 youngsters. There are so many multinational
organsitions
Correct your spelling
organisations
organisation
organizations
 in which
people
Use synonyms
 in different departments are working for long tenures and spend about thirty to
fourty
Correct your spelling
forty
four
 years in one organisation, and they with their expert
advise
Replace the word
advice
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 benefit the company in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 run.
For example
Linking Words
, many large
corpartes
Correct your spelling
corporates
 are able to maximise their profits
due to
Linking Words
 the
loyality
Correct your spelling
loyalty
 of their old employees and the suggestions they provide.
However
Linking Words
, as far as
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 of having more elders
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 in nations are concerned,
then
Linking Words
 there are increased burdens of medicare and pensions. The government have to spend more on providing healthcare facilities to them as
this
Linking Words
 is a fact that with ageing,
people
Use synonyms
 start to have various health issues
Also
Linking Words
, with
Correct article usage
an exccessive
show examples
exccessive
Correct your spelling
excessive
 older population, the
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 needs to set a certain budget for them in order to provide pensions to manage their cost
os
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
 living, so
instead
Linking Words
 of spending on other recreational and public services, they have to support elder for their living. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 with more older population
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments will
overwhelm
Wrong verb form
be overwhelmed
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 with additional burdens to provide medical and pension
facilties
Correct your spelling
facilities
 to them,
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 benefits like experience, expertise, and
loyality
Correct your spelling
loyalty
 they have for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and companies cannot be overlooked.
Submitted by harleenarora620 on

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Introduction
Make sure your introduction includes a clear thesis statement that outlines your view clearly. This sets a strong foundation for your argument.
Cohesion
Use a range of linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs. While you have a good structure, varying your connectors can elevate your writing.
Examples
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Real-world examples or statistics would make your argument more convincing.
Position
While discussing both sides of the argument, ensure to maintain a clear position throughout your essay. This will strengthen the coherence of your response.
Introduction
You've done a good job introducing the topic and stating your opinion in the introduction.
Structure
Your essay is well-structured, with clear paragraphs for each main idea.
Examples
You have effectively used examples to illustrate your points, though more specificity could make them even stronger.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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