IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

With the increasing reliance on technology in daily life, concerns about privacy breaches have become more prominent. While technology offers convenience and connectivity, it also raises questions about data security and personal privacy. To what extent do you believe the benefits of technology in enhancing convenience outweigh the risks to personal privacy?

#reliance #technology #life #concerns #privacy #breaches #convenience #connectivity #questions #data #security #risks
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In contemporary society, reliance on
technology
Use synonyms
 has increased significantly, with concerns about
privacy
Use synonyms
 security being more prominent.
Additionally
Linking Words
, there are some controversial topics about how
technology
Use synonyms
 is beneficial or disadvantageous because it provides us with convenience and connection
while
Linking Words
 raising concerns about
data
Use synonyms
 security and personal
privacy
Use synonyms
. It seems to me that the advantageous features of cutting-edge
technology
Use synonyms
 exceed its cons. On the one hand,
technology
Use synonyms
 has been of paramount importance for almost one century. It makes way for convenience and connectivity, allowing us to maintain connection and facilitating human
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
. To be more specific, thanks to advanced
technology
Use synonyms
 people do their household chores easily,
for example
Linking Words
, they can clean the whole house in an hour with a vacuum cleaner, and keep their meals fresh with a fridge.
Moreover
Linking Words
, online services are provided by
technology
Use synonyms
. Online services like ride-sharing apps, food delivery platforms, and streaming services offer on-demand access to transportation, food, and entertainment, saving time and effort.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the increasing digitization of personal information has raised concerns about
data
Use synonyms
 security and
privacy
Use synonyms
 breaches.
Data
Use synonyms
 breaches and cyberattacks can result in the unauthorized access or theft of sensitive personal information, leading to identity theft or financial fraud.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, companies often collect vast amounts of
data
Use synonyms
 on users' online activities, preferences, and
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 for targeted advertising and marketing purposes.
This
Linking Words
 practice can infringe on individuals'
privacy
Use synonyms
 and autonomy, as their personal
data
Use synonyms
 is used without their explicit consent. To summarize, I believe that
technology
Use synonyms
 is more beneficial than people think, on the ground that it creates an easier and easier life for us, even if it can have some negative consequences.
Hence
Linking Words
, the advantageous aspects of
technology
Use synonyms
 outweigh obviously the disadvantageous.
Submitted by quluzadenurlan107 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Great job in structuring your essay logically and presenting a clear introduction and conclusion. Your essay flows well from one idea to the next, making it easy to follow.
Task Achievement
You've effectively addressed the task, providing a balanced view before stating your own opinion and backing it up with relevant examples. To enhance your score further, consider diversifying your language usage and integrating a wider range of complex sentence structures.
Task Achievement
Although your essay provides sufficient examples to support your points, aiming for more depth in your analysis and including a wider range of perspectives could make your argument more compelling. This approach would help to develop your points further.
Task Achievement
You maintained a clear position throughout the essay, which is commendable. Staying on topic and being consistent with your viewpoint adds strong credibility to your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The way you structured your paragraphs, with clear topic sentences and supportive examples, enhances the readability of your essay and effectively conveys your arguments to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: