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Band 5

Successful sports professinals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sports #professinals #money #people #professions
In many countries, it is believed that expert
sportmen
Correct your spelling
sportsmen
incone
Correct your spelling
income
 is much higher than other significant professions. Whilst a group of
people
 would argue that it is unfair, others are not. I personally that it is inequality to allocate a great deal of money to
sportmen
Correct your spelling
sportsmen
.
On the other hand
, some
people
sat
Verb problem
said
show examples
 that the allocation of high income to sports experts is totally reasonable
according to
 their
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
. As these professionals, in order to achieve their goals, they have to work hard and spend a high amount of time.
So that
Correct word choice
So
show examples
 the professionals should be paid high
according to
 their hard work and success. It is
also
 true that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports have become one part of the culture.
For example
, football is the most valuable symbolic sport in Argentina because the greatest footballer Messi won
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 Cup. So, they respect him a lot and
increased
Wrong verb form
increase
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 his income
due to
 his success.
On the other hand
, I personally believe that other factors like doctors, and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 should be paid higher as they play important roles in society. Some
people
 insist governments
to
Remove the particle
apply
show examples
allocate more finance to vital careers
intead
Correct your spelling
instead
 of
sportmen
Correct your spelling
sportsmen
.
For example
,
doctor
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doctors
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 one of the primary factors among the professions because they save creatures like humans and animals. They spend over eight hours on their studies in order to manipulate their occupation perfectly and work hard for the crowd. In countries which have poor doctor services, the rate of
illness
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illnesses
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 like cancer is extremely high. I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that allocating more money to the health system can decrease the number of ill
people
.
To conclude
, the importance of eminent athletes should be considered,
however
, I believe that other significant careers should receive more income
according to
 their principal role in society.
Submitted by nazim200709 on

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Introduction
Your introduction could be strengthened by directly addressing the essay question and clearly stating the views you will discuss. A concise thesis statement would enhance clarity.
Balanced Discussion
Try to maintain a balanced discussion by devoting equal development to both viewpoints before presenting your opinion. This structure will help improve task response and coherence.
Paragraph Structure
Work on the clarity of your argument by organizing paragraphs with clear topic sentences and subsequent supporting details. This will improve coherence and cohesion.
Supporting Examples
Including specific examples to support your points can greatly enhance the persuasiveness of your arguments. Consider incorporating real-world examples or statistics when discussing the importance of various professions.
Language Proficiency
Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and vocabulary accuracy. Avoid overly complex sentences where simpler constructions could convey your point more clearly, enhancing both coherence and task achievement.
Proofreading
Make sure to proofread your essay for minor inaccuracies in spelling or grammar. While these issues do not greatly affect your score, addressing them can polish your writing.
Task Engagement
You have effectively addressed aspects of both views on the topic, which is crucial for the task.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the essay's main points and restates your opinion, which is good practice.
Content Engagement
Your essay demonstrates a good effort to engage with the topic in a structured manner, covering various aspects of the debate.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • commercial value
  • entertainment aspect
  • revenue
  • advertising
  • merchandising
  • broadcasting rights
  • exceptional talent
  • span of their careers
  • crucial
  • well-being
  • development of society
  • pay disparity
  • societal values
  • financial recognition
  • essential services
  • balanced approach
  • invaluable contributions
  • equitable society
  • distribution of wealth
  • intrinsic value
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