IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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The question of whether to apply more expensive value to rich sugar-contained
products
 is worthy of debate. Some people argue that it isn't a reasonable way to solve the problem.
However
, I agree with the suggestion because it can ultimately lead to a nation's profitability.
Firstly
, imposing a high
price
 on sugary
products
 can hinder people from buying them. Take a cigarette as an example. Many nations make an extraordinary effort to boost their public's well-being followed by setting an expensive
price
 on cigarettes by adding an enormous tax to prevent smokers from smoking.
As a result
, smokers are inevitably forced to stop smoking because they cannot afford to handle its tremendous
price
 anymore.
Moreover
,
this
 movement can trigger many companies to develop sugar-free
products
 and alternative foods. There are increasing concerns that adult diseases like obesity and diabetes are damaging modern society.
While
 some companies struggle to recover
the
Change preposition
from the
show examples
 economic crisis resulting from the policy of putting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high prices on their sugary food, others can overcome
this
 circumstance by introducing salubrious food
products
. It can not only avert the financial depression but
also
 earn an eclectic level of customers who bolster the policy for their health. To recapitulate, increasing the
price
 of sugary
products
 will be conducive to consuming less sugar. Adapting to the new phases resulting from changes
such
 as an improvement in health self-consciousness plays a significant role in the prosperity of nations and organizations.
Furthermore
, investment in the health industry can be an integral element of a thriving and vibrant society that contributes to the well-being of the nation.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in terminology. You used 'imposing a high price' and 'putting high prices,' try to stick to one term for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Work on minor grammar and punctuation errors to improve clarity, such as 'followed by setting an expensive price' should be 'by setting a high price.'
task achievement
Try to develop the introduction and conclusion slightly more to add depth to your argument.
task achievement
Consider further elaboration on how other companies might innovate to create sugar-free or alternative products.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay effectively with clear main points and relevant supporting examples.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically organized, with each paragraph smoothly transitioning to the next.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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