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Band 5.5

In some countries, people these days spend little time with their children. What are the causes of this? Whome does this affect more, parents or children?

#countries #people #time #children #whome #affect #parents
There is no denying the fact that spending a lot of
time
 with your
children
 is crucial to
both
.
This
 essay will discuss the causes and
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of why
parents
 do not spend much
time
 with their kids.
To begin
 with, there are many causes for
parents
 spending little
time
 with their
children
.
Firstly
, if
both
 of them are working, sure they will not have
time
 to engage with their
children
.
In addition
, most of the jobs are mentally and physically difficult,so even when they back from work there is no energy to play or enjoy with them.
Secondly
, when the
parents
 divorce, the
children
 will not have
time
 to see
both
 of them equally. In terms of
effect
,
both
 the
parents
 and
children
 will be affected.
Moreover
, if their
parents
 do not have much
time
, who will teach them
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
manners and how to be a man as a boy and a woman as a girl
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 The
effect
 is notable as they become older and older.
Also
, the
effect
 on the
parents
 is not as the
children
, but they will not feel the joyful moments that every
parents
Change to a singular noun
parent
show examples
experience
Correct subject-verb agreement
experiences
show examples
such
 as the first step and the first word. It has a special feeling and it is impossible for the
parents
 to forget it. In conclusion, there are many causes that make
parents
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
do not spend a lot of
time
 with their
children
. Being in a job and divorce are examples. It is
also
 true that it has a huge
effect
 on
children
 and
parents
, but I believe the huge
effect
 on
Submitted by Aljawir3 on

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Language/Grammar
Try to use a variety of sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and demonstrate language flexibility.
Task Achievement
Integrate more specific examples and details to support your points, which will help make your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
Task Achievement
Ensure your essay covers all aspects of the question comprehensively, including addressing all parts of the prompt.
Coherence/Cohesion
Work on the cohesiveness of your essay by linking ideas more smoothly between and within paragraphs, using appropriate transitional phrases.
Coherence/Cohesion
Consider revising your conclusion to more definitively state your overall viewpoint or summary of the discussed causes and effects.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the main topic directly, showing an understanding of the task requirements.
Coherence/Cohesion
You successfully introduced the topic and provided a conclusion, structuring your essay in line with expected essay format.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work demands
  • longer working hours
  • digital technology
  • screen time
  • urbanization
  • commuting times
  • emotional distance
  • parental guidance
  • harmful behaviors
  • guilt
  • stress
  • missed opportunities
  • development
  • emotional well-being
  • social skills
  • family dynamics
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