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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that getting old is a negative thing, whereas others think it is much easier for people to live in modern society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #society
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Growing up is a natural mechanism inside all animals.
People
 cannot avoid
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
getting old.
While
 there are some voices claiming that
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 easier to live in
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world, I tend to believe that having a young body
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 easier to live in
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
society
. On
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
 hand, the elderly have more experience
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily life. They have more chances to get
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 different situations. With living longer, they are generally
considering
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 as
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 more wisdom and following social guidelines. Especially,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
society
 jobs
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
require less physical condition than before.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
 are most likely
take
Fix the infinitive
to take
show examples
 part in relatively higher management
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 in government or private
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
. The reason is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 they are usually smarter in handling different tasks, which allows old
people
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 higher salary to have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 quality of life.
Therefore
, the elderly are much
simplier
Correct your spelling
simpler
 to live in modern
society
.
On the other hand
, getting old
shows
Verb problem
has
show examples
 negative effects on individuals and
society
. For individuals, old
people
 usually have poor health
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 need to spend extra money on health. And they have less physical
strengths
Fix the agreement mistake
strength
show examples
 compared to
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
 generations. For
society
,
allowaces
Correct your spelling
allowances
allowance
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
surged
due to
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly.
For instance
,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 usually go to
hospital
Correct article usage
the hospital
show examples
 frequently and they have a lot of diseases like diabetes which
let
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 them
suffer
Fix the infinitive
to suffer
show examples
. And
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 is required to pay for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 fees
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 in the hospital.
Therefore
, no matter how
advance
Wrong verb form
advanced
show examples
 the technology is, getting old
still
Add a missing verb
is still
show examples
 a negative thing in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
. Personally, I agree the elderly that
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
generally have more experience
to be
Change preposition
in being
show examples
 a good leader.
However
, when the number of elderly
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
show examples
 surging, it will
over
Correct your spelling
cover
show examples
 the demand and cause
burden
Correct article usage
a burden
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
To sum up
, the elderly are easier to live in the modern world, but the burden they
brought
Wrong verb form
bring
show examples
 to individuals and
society
 cannot be avoided.
Submitted by oscar77734644 on

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Structure
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Transition
Use more varied transitional phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Clarity
Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction to more explicitly present your viewpoint.
Examples
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Grammar & Vocabulary
Review and correct grammatical and lexical errors to improve the overall readability of your essay.
Balance
You effectively addressed both sides of the argument.
Conclusion
The conclusion provides a summary of your arguments and restates your opinion, which helps to reinforce your position.
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