IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violent influence on TV and at the cinema. Others feel that violent films should not be regulated. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Since years ago,
cinema
Add an article
the cinema
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 industry has drastic effect on various aspects of
life
Correct article usage
the life
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 sphere. People are exposed to diverse genres of
movies
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as action, martial
art
Fix the agreement mistake
arts
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, and thriller. It is debated that the violence of
movies
Use synonyms
 should be curbed with governmental decisions
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and some advocate for
non-limited
Add an article
the non-limited
a non-limited
show examples
 degree of violence in
movies
Use synonyms
. The
effective
Replace the word
effectiveness
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 of
movies
Use synonyms
 is undeniable not only in life but
also
Linking Words
finance
Change preposition
in finance
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. To put it differently, governments would earn enormous
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
 through selling these genres of
movies
Use synonyms
 which are popular in the world. If the governments regulate and censor these
movies
Use synonyms
,
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 popularity will drop
off
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sharply and
also
Linking Words
 lose
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 world market trade.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, censoring violent
movies
Use synonyms
 causes
rising
Correct article usage
a rising
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 crime rate and
creating
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
black
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a black
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 market.
For example
Linking Words
, despite the fact that
Iranian’s
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Iranian
show examples
 governments have legislated against trading erotic
movies
Use synonyms
, the locals still sell them in black markets;
also
Linking Words
, their prices have soared. Looking at the proponents’ side of curbing
degree
Correct article usage
the degree
show examples
 of violence
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
movies
Use synonyms
, not only adults but
also
Linking Words
 juveniles are viewers of
movies
Use synonyms
,
hence
Linking Words
 they would be incentivized with
excitement
Add an article
the excitement
show examples
 of crimes which happened in the films.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it could spark the idea of acting
some
Change preposition
in some
show examples
 dangerous actions
such
Linking Words
 as jumping from
apartment
Add an article
the apartment
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, standing on the moved motorcycle, and throwing sharp equipment
where
Correct word choice
which
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 they have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
performed with
Add an article
a stuntman
show examples
stuntman
Fix the agreement mistake
stuntmen
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, gradually the youth tends to substitute mature communication for fighting.
For example
Linking Words
, playing Legend of Jumong, a Korean movie
was
Correct pronoun usage
that was
show examples
 played in Iran, leads two brothers, acting two main characters of the movie, killed each other. In conclusion, films play a key role in people’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and funds. From my viewpoint, banning
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent
movies
Use synonyms
 could not be a concrete idea, so politicians could categorize the
movies
Use synonyms
 based on watchers’ ages.

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logical structure
Your essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in understanding your points effectively.
supported main points
You've supported your main points with examples, which strengthens your argument. Try to ensure each example directly supports the point you're making for even greater clarity.
clear comprehensive ideas
Consider expanding on your examples and exploring the opposing viewpoints with the same depth to provide a more balanced discussion.
complete response
Make sure to directly address the prompt by explicitly stating your opinion in the introduction and conclusion for clearer task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Work on variety in sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance readability and engagement in your essay.
task achievement
You effectively covered both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view before giving your own opinion.
relevant specific examples
The inclusion of real-world examples, such as the reference to Iranian cinema regulations, adds depth to your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion succinctly sums up your viewpoint and suggests a feasible solution to the issue at hand.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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