IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
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Since the beginning of time technology and its advancement in it have shaped the world. They have grown alongside humanity,
while
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also
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 helping it towards betterment. I do believe we go as far as to say that it has now become an integral part of our lives. But, does it always have a positive impact? Especially on our children and how they spend their free time with the new tech. I would strongly argue that
this
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 trend has
in fact
Add the comma(s)
, in fact,
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 declined the physical and mental
Correct your spelling
well-being
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wellbeing
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well-being
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 of
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apply
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the
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apply
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infants. Which outweighs any advantages it may provide. A growing child needs a lot of physical activity to help him/her develop more muscle mass
along with
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 a good hormonal balance.
Although
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,
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 there are a few products that help promote physical activities, most of them do not. The entertainment
that is
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 provided with tech is far more attractive and interesting to a minor. A study by Harvard University on Infant growth has clearly shown that those who have not been engaging in more activities have shown clear signs of growth imbalances within the body making them more
decease
Wrong verb form
deceased
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prone
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at their later stages in life.
Moreover
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, the study has
also
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 shown that these 'advanced' kids
also
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 have mental imbalances within the body leading to stress and anxiety at a very young age.
On the other hand
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, the counterparts of the same age have been able to keep a chemical balance. In conclusion,
while
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 electronics have helped grow knowledge at a faster pace by bringing all the information to one's fingertips, they have had a direct influence on the well-being of young beings, which has been growing in a negative direction.
Submitted by praneeth2094 on

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task achievement
Focus on providing a range of specific examples to strengthen your argument. The brief mention of a Harvard University study is a step in the right direction, but more detailed examples or data would enhance the credibility and depth of your argument.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from a clearer introduction of the counter-argument or advantages of technology for children. Acknowledging the opposing view more explicitly can help provide a more balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating stronger, more explicit connections between your ideas and paragraphs. Using transition words or phrases can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Consider expanding on the conclusion to include a brief summary of your main points or a restatement of your position. This will help reinforce your argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
task achievement
Solid introduction of the topic and a clear stance, setting the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
Good job integrating research (e.g., the Harvard University study) to support your claims, showing an effort to base arguments on evidence.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure, with a clear flow that makes the argument easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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