IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think person happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #person #happiness #success #factors
However
, some
people
 think that personal pleasure relies on just economic achievement,
while
 others believe there are different components. In
this
 essay, I will argue both opinions about the matter above. There is an expression that says, if
money
 can not bring you happiness, poverty definitely can make you an unhappy person.
Although
 all rich
people
 are not happy, most poor
people
 are unpleasure.
For instance
, in developing countries, individuals have to pay more
money
 for their daily expenditures.
This
 might put them under pressure to provide a logical and comfortable life,
consequently
, more work time can steal the delight from their life.
On the other hand
, other
people
 believe that even being a rich person can not guarantee joy for individuals, because other factors like a good partner, environment, health, and having enough free time are directly affecting our happiness.
For example
, if somebody has an incurable disease, economic success can not help him/her to find joy. There are a lot of wealthy
people
 that are seeking a small amount of comfort in their life and some of them can not be bought, even with a high vast of
money
.
This
 essay discussed
people
's two different standpoints about the reason for personal happiness. In my opinion, seeking individual joy ness, requires a variety of crucial factors and
money
 is just one of them other vital features like mental health, good family members, and job satisfaction play significant roles in personal pleasure.
Submitted by mohammadmafi6809 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Strengthen your argumentation with more diverse examples, particularly those that illustrate points beyond just the economic spectrum.
coherence cohesion
Ensure seamless transitions between paragraphs and ideas for better coherence. For instance, the essay could benefit from linking sentences that guide the reader from one point to the next.
task achievement
Pay attention to language aspects like precise vocabulary and grammar to avoid ambiguity. This helps in delivering clear and comprehensive ideas.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the topic effectively, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the discussion.
task achievement
Good use of real-world examples to support the points, particularly about developing countries and incurable diseases.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic success
  • material wealth
  • emotional well-being
  • psychological satisfaction
  • personal fulfillment
  • quality of life
  • financial stability
  • socioeconomic status
  • mental health
  • sense of purpose
  • interpersonal relationships
  • cultural norms
  • subjective well-being
  • life satisfaction
  • luxuries
  • financial security
  • self-actualization
  • work-life balance
  • non-materialistic values
  • livelihood
What to do next:
Look at other essays: