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Band 5.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

#government #responsibility #citizens #safety #people #defence
The problem of distributing government funds has been long debated. Often it is a question of whether to allocate them to public safety or social needs.
Through
Correct word choice
Though
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 both are important, I favor the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
, and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 the reasons for that will be covered. First and foremost, a
country
 is a social institution and it should take care of its citizens, aiming to provide the highest level of life possible. The most direct way to do
that is
 to give resources to the
population
 in the form of benefits. Satisfied and wealthy citizens are what make a
country
 great in the long run.
On the other hand
, a state should ensure the safety of its
population
, and that requires funds to be spent on the military, the police and
on
Change preposition
apply
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other institutions that protect the people from a variety of threats. Even in peaceful times, the state should do everything in its power to fight crime inside the
country
 and patrol its outer borders, so that the basic need of the
population
 - the need for
safely
Replace the word
safety
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 - is met.
Finally
, I believe that a
country
 may face threats from time to time and that the need to respond to these threats can be rationalized. But funding a large military force cannot be justified
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 when it has no clear enemies. The same amount of money should be invested into something that can provide an economic boost in future,
for example
 in science, education or cutting-edge technology. Distributing the funds to the
population
 in the form of benefits is one way of achieving it.
To sum up
, I believe that both types of expenses, social and military, are crucial, but under normal
circumstances
Add a comma
circumstances,
show examples
 I would not sacrifice the first for the
later
Correct your spelling
latter
show examples
.
Submitted by fednastya000 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your ideas are clearly linked and that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next to maintain cohesive writing.
Introduction
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, highlighting the essay's focus in a clear manner.
Logical Structure
The structure of your essay is logical and easy to follow, enhancing the reader's understanding of your arguments.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively sums up the essay, restating your main position and providing a clear end to your argument.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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