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Band 6

Some people say the most important thing about being rich is that it gives you the opportunity to give back or help the poor. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #opportunity
Many individuals believe that being a rich person is the most vital because they can utilize the money to help other societies. I highly agree with
this
 statement because of two reasons: can get more
happiness
 and get more impact in the future. The following paragraph will give more elaboration about
this
 essay. First of all, money is a crucial factor to bring
happiness
 in people’s life. All of the people can do all of favourable things with the fee.
However
, there are a lot of people who can not feel
this
 condition.
For instance
, the Citizens in Papua, which is one of the city in Indonesia, have suffered stunting because lack of money to buy some foods. So, as a human beings, helping others is important and in psychologycal field, giving an aid to other can enhance our
happiness
.
Secondly
, Giving an aid to other people
also
 can affect in the future life. As an example, Fatia Fairuza, who is one of Indonesia influencer, alocates the funding to give an education scholarship for young generation. She
also
 built “shape your life” as a form of contribution place. In the next era, the Youth who will get
this
 scholarship will give more contribution with their knowledge.
To sum up
, being rich can gve more benefits specifically in two perspective:
First,
Psychological side which is can be a way to bring
happiness
.
Second,
in the imminent perspective, help action can give better future for other human’s life.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Example Specificity
Ensure your examples are detailed and directly linked to how they support your main arguments. Specific examples help to solidify your argument.
Grammar & Sentence Structure
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and work on sentence structure to enhance the clarity of your arguments.
Vocabulary Expansion
Consider varying your vocabulary more to avoid repetition and engage your reader. Rich vocabulary demonstrates a higher command of language.
Idea Development
Make sure all paragraphs are fully developed. Each idea should be explored fully with explanations and examples.
Task Response
You presented a clear stance and maintained it throughout the essay, which is essential for Task Response.
Structure
You included an introduction and conclusion, which framed your essay well and satisfied the necessary structural components.
Relevant Examples
Good use of examples to support your main points. Examples like Fatia Fairuza’s initiative help concretize your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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