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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

#countries #university #students #home #study #city
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There is
ongoing
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an ongoing
the ongoing
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 discourse on whether, during the
university
Use synonyms
 years, going to other countries is best or not.
While
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 some people might argue that living in
one
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's
hometown
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while
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 studying has advantages;
however
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, I firmly believe that living away from home during
university
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 has more advantages than staying in
one
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's
hometown
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. First and foremost, attending
university
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 in another
city
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 opens doors for
students
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 by broadening their
perspectives
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. Often, individuals do not have many chances to expose themselves to unfamiliar circumstances.
However
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, going to a
university
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 in another
city
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 grants
students
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 access to expand their network and explore career opportunities.
For instance
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, a friend of mine, a business consultant, went to study abroad in New York
City
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, the United States, from Tokyo, Japan. During his interactions with people from diverse backgrounds, he eventually realized that he could see things from others'
perspectives
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 and gained a deeper understanding and empathy.
Thus
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, studying in another
city
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 facilitates the journey of understanding by offering opportunities to meet other people.
On the other hand
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, attending
university
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 in
one
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's
hometown
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 affords
students
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 opportunities to save money.
While
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 many
students
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 face financial issues, those living in their
Use synonyms
hometown
Fix the agreement mistake
hometowns
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 do not need to seek new accommodation, which can be quite costly.
According to
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 recent research by McKinsey & Company,
students
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 who go to a
university
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 near their
hometown
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 save more money than those who live away from home during their studies. In
this
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 regard, staying in
one
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's
hometown
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 during
university
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 years paves the way for
students
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 to have financial benefits. In my view, broadening
perspectives
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 rather than merely saving money should be the main priority in
this
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 global era. Enhancing
one
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's
perspectives
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 can lead to not only uncovering new viewpoints but
also
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 personal satisfaction, significantly enhancing an individual's value. In conclusion,
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while
Correct word choice
apply
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living at home with their family
while
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 they study allows
students
Use synonyms
 to reduce expenditure.
However
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, I believe that uncovering new
perspectives
Use synonyms
 should be prioritized.
Submitted by imagelim329 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To further improve your score, aim to diversify your sentence structures by incorporating a wider range of complex sentences to enhance readability and offer more detailed support for your ideas.
Task Achievement
While your examples are relevant, adding more specific details or personal experiences could offer a deeper insight into your claims and strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly sets up the discussion, effectively engaging the reader from the start.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay maintains a good logical flow from paragraph to paragraph, which helps in keeping the reader engaged throughout.
Task Achievement
You've effectively used a conclusion to summarize your arguments and reinforce your standpoint, which is a great strength in your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • finance management
  • exposure
  • broaden horizons
  • open-minded
  • adaptability
  • conducive environment
  • isolation
  • homesickness
  • financial burden
  • household duties
  • academic responsibilities
  • personal growth
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