IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some believe that money for education should mainly be spent on better computers while others believe it would be better spent on teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#believe #money #education #computers #teachers
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The significance of
education
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 has been highlighted over the past decade. From
this
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 aspect, some opine that expenses for
education
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 should mainly be spent on better
computers
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,
while
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 others hold the view it would be spent on
teachers
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and
then
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 my opinion will be suggested. It is often pointed out that the
education
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 of
money
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 would be ideal spent on
teachers
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. Proponents of
this
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 argument suggest that an increase in the quality of
education
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 rises.
This
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 is because
teachers
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 who have raised
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 invest their
money
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 to learn educational seminars and research a wide range of efficient
education
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 means for
students
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. What is more,
although
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 the heavy pressure on
money
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 cannot be ignored,
teachers
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 can have confidence in their jobs.
This
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 obviously leads them to communicate desirable with
students
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 and parents and
this
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 in turn results in positive effects, including the improvement of academic performance, and solving class measures.
Nevertheless
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, some opponents insist that expenses for
education
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 should be spent on better
computers
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.
Although
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 the financial supports of governments exist, schools struggle with technical difficulties. A pertinent example of
this
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 is that the lack of
computers
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 leads
students
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 to compete for using
computers
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 each other and previous
computers
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 are less likely to handle with advanced PC programs.
Moreover
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, a small number of
computers
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 deprive of the opportunities of
education
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 because
this
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 phenomenon leads to the low adaptation of technology to
students
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. To recapitulate, I believe that
education
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
money
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would
Verb problem
should
show examples
 be spent on
teachers
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 because an increase in the quality of
education
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 rises and
teachers
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 can have confidence
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their jobs.
Thus
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, the
education
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 industry will progress and
students
Use synonyms
 can have more benefits.
Submitted by subin12260 on

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task achievement
Focus on clarifying your examples and arguments to avoid any possible ambiguity. Ensure any evidence or explanation directly supports your discussion points for a stronger argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures and using transitions smoothly to improve the flow of your essay. This will make your argumentation clearer and more engaging.
language
Consider revisiting the phrasing of some sentences to correct minor grammatical inaccuracies and improving the precision of your language. Minor improvements in word choice and grammatic accuracy can significantly enhance clarity.
structure
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay topic and outlines your approach to discussing both views and providing your own opinion, which is excellent for guiding the reader.
structure
You have a good sense of paragraphing, separating different ideas and views into distinct paragraphs, which helps in maintaining a logical structure throughout your essay.
task achievement
You succeed in discussing both views as the task requires, and you also provide your opinion, fulfilling the task's requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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