IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but is a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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In the modern era, since technology has developed significantly, the meaning of shopping has
also
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 changed.
Although
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 shopping is a
way
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 to purchase required items and clothes, it has become popular for entertainment purposes.
According to
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 my perspective, it can be both a positive and a negative development and I will justify the reasons behind
this
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 in the upcoming paragraphs. The first and foremost cause behind its positive impact is spending
time
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 with family
while
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 shopping.
For instance
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, being workaholics,
individuals
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 are unable to spend their precious
time
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 with family members as from Monday to Friday, they devote their
time
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 to their profession. On the weekends, going shopping is preferred by folks , in
this
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way
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, they not only do shopping but
also
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 attain an opportunity to invest some valuable
time
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 with their loved ones.
Consequently
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,
this
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 activity makes them feel relaxed and rejuvenated.
However
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, despite having certain positive effects, there are some negative consequences of
this
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 thing. First of all,
individuals
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 can waste their money in
this
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way
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.
For example
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, if a person goes
for
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apply
show examples
shopping every weekend for an entertainment purpose, that person could purchase unnecessary things as well
while
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 moving around in the shopping mall as things can attract by their styles.
Moreover
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, in shopping
centers
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centres
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, every store highlights their discount on the doors which can encourage anybody to shop.
As a result
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,
at the end
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 of the month, some
individuals
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 are left with little money in their hands owing to spending on unimportant items. In conclusion, though shopping can be a
way
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 to entertain ourselves,
individuals
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 had better not to utilize their valuable money on the things that they do not need. I think
,
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apply
show examples
 people can enjoy their weekend more by doing some outdoor activities that are helpful for their physical and mental health.

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task achievement
Make sure to directly address the question prompt in your introduction to immediately establish your position. While you mentioned that shopping as entertainment could be both positive and negative, explicitly stating your viewpoint could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures more to add complexity and interest to your writing. Using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences can enhance the readability of your essay.
general
Pay attention to your grammar and punctuation to avoid minor mistakes. For instance, be cautious with the use of commas and ensure that your sentences are grammatically consistent.
task achievement
Expanding your conclusion to better summarize your key points and restate your position clearly can make your argument more persuasive. This helps the reader to remember the main ideas and your stance on the topic.
task achievement
Provided well-developed examples to support your points, enhancing the argument's clarity and effectiveness.
coherence cohesion
Good use of an introductory paragraph to set up the topic and outline the essay structure.
task achievement
Successfully covered both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view before stating your final position.
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