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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, the number of people who visits art gallery is declining. What are the reasons for this? How can we solve this problem?

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In
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of nations,
museums
Use synonyms
 are losing
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 importance. The main causes of
this
Linking Words
 are the expensive
tickets
Use synonyms
 and a
lack
Use synonyms
 of preventive actions, and some
suggest
Replace the word
suggestions
show examples
 to overcome these issues are for
institutions
Use synonyms
 to reduce
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 prices and for
governments
Use synonyms
 to extend the financial aid. There are two main factors that contribute to
reduce
Replace the word
the reduction
show examples
 in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of visitors to
museums
Use synonyms
. The first reason is that the price of the
tickets
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 very high. Many art galleries are operated by trusts and independent owners who are unable to maintain the exhibits without collecting enough money.
As a result
Linking Words
, they charge
Change preposition
apply
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the visitors. The second reason is that there is a
lack
Use synonyms
 of maintenance.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, the
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
exhibit
Wrong verb form
exhibited
show examples
 in the museum need regular cleaning, and the buildings require repair work because of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 wear and tear.
Hence
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 improper maintenance of the art gallery, people do not show interest in visiting them.
For example
Linking Words
, in India, the Birla Museum, which exhibits
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artefacts
such
Linking Words
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pots, the clay toys that
had
Verb problem
were
show examples
 used in
ancient
Correct article usage
the ancient
show examples
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
loss
Replace the word
lost
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 effectiveness
due to
Linking Words
 a
lack
Use synonyms
 of maintenance. In order to tackle these issues, it is important for
institutions
Use synonyms
 and
governments
Use synonyms
 to take
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
 against them.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the price of the
tickets
Use synonyms
 should be reduced. Local people and
tourtists
Correct your spelling
tourists
 will show more enthusiasm to visit art galleries provided that the cost of the
tickets
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 reasonable because they have other choices of entertainment.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
institutions
Use synonyms
 can obtain grants as charity from business owners and can reduce the cost of entrance fees.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
governments
Use synonyms
 should provide
finacial
Correct your spelling
financial
 support for the
museums
Use synonyms
 that are in need. Those funds will help to run them as they can cover the operational costs.
For instance
Linking Words
, the Birla Museum has been thriving successfully nowadays after the
intervension
Correct your spelling
intervention
 of the state to provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial aid. In conclusion, I believe that
museums
Use synonyms
 are not getting attention because the value of the
tickets
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 higher and a
lack
Use synonyms
 of
maintainance
Correct your spelling
maintenance
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
some ways to tackle these downsides are for
institutions
Use synonyms
 to reduce
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 prices and for
governments
Use synonyms
 to support funds.

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Coherence and Cohesion
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Task Achievement
Include more detailed and varied examples to strengthen your main points.
General Advice
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and strive for accuracy to improve clarity.
Task Achievement
Try to ensure that your essay is well-balanced, with each main point evenly discussed and elaborated.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance your essay by refining your introduction and conclusion to more effectively summarize your main points and thesis.
Structure
You've effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Content and Clarity
Good job on clearly identifying the reasons for the decline in art gallery visits and proposing solutions.
Use of Examples
You provided a relevant example to support your argument, which helps to illustrate your point more clearly.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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