IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries government are investing in new technology to deal with the public. Why is this happening? Do you think this is an appropriate use of government money.

#countries #government #technology #money
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In various
nations
Add a comma
nations,
show examples
 young adults are moving away from their
home
 towns and living in urban areas for higher education and for a better work life.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 may harm a
person
 in the short term, it allows to creation of new
opportunities
 and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
this
 advantage far outweighs any potential disadvantages.
Firstly
, moving away from family
carry
Correct subject-verb agreement
carries
show examples
 a lot of advantages like it opens
opportunities
while
 being away from
home
 gives a
person
 the audacity to take risks and remove obstacles
like
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they can leave the job and start a business in which they can create numerous
opportunities
 like a higher source of income, freedom to take holidays and business gives an elite class status in front of our relatives, neighbours and loved ones,
In addition
, leaving
home
 and moving towards urban areas might harm a
person
 in the short term like they do not have to rely on
parent's
Correct pronoun usage
their parent's
show examples
 money.
Likewise
, people have to live without parents which is the hardest thing
subsequently
, people have to be mature and independent like making lunch, and dinner and cleaning the whole
home
 without any parent's support
therefore
, many people take loans to shift to the new place, which creates a pressure on a individuals mind that they have to work hard to feed their family and fulfil loan. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that moving away from family opens lots of
opportunities
 for a
person
 and it is
also
 true that in the short
term
Add a comma
term,
show examples
 a
person
 can be harmed.
This
 essay has examined the advantages outweigh than disadvantages.
Submitted by tushalk329 on

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Structure
To enhance the structure, consider using a clear topic sentence for each paragraph to better introduce the main idea.
Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and use transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs for smoother flow.
Support
Further develop your body paragraphs by providing more detailed examples and explanations to support your main points.
Task Response
Clarify your position in the introduction and restate it in the conclusion for a stronger argument overall.
Language
Consider revising for small inaccuracies in grammar and vocabulary to improve clarity and overall effectiveness.
Understanding
You've shown a good understanding of the topic by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from family for better opportunities.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates your opinion, showing a good structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • governmental investment
  • enhance efficiency
  • accessibility
  • responsiveness
  • public services
  • progressive step
  • modernizing
  • quality of life
  • technological advancements
  • data management
  • policy decisions
  • streamlined processes
  • shift towards technology
  • digitization
  • digital divide
  • privacy
  • prioritization
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