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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Although family is a great influence in any child's life, it is influence from outside the home that plays a bigger role in his or her development. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In the present day, many people argue that the factors of children's development consist of external and internal influences, which are the surrounding environment and family factors respectively.
Moreover
Linking Words
,mostly still believe the external outweighs the internal with a more vast impact.
However
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, I personally have a balanced opinion on
this
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 topic and will
then
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 describe some relevant instances in the next paragraphs. I agree that outside influence has significantly impacted children's improvement
while
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 the family components inevitably cause the individual personality of each adolescent,with an equally crucial role of both main causes.
Firstly
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,the main reason for the perspective strongly encouraging my opinion is the obvious difference in the external environment. In fact,
It is clear that
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 Asian people and Westerners who grew up on the opposite side of the world have been adversely affected by their personalities.
For example
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, the Westerners are likely to be more energetic than the Asians.
In addition
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,they tend to do active activities
such
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 as climbing or hiking as a habit
whereas
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 the Asians like to go to cafes and do something more comfortable.
On the other hand
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, family components
also
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 have considerably affected their growth development with almost the equivalent proportion of effects. As we know, the family effect could impact children's personalities the most because of living together for almost their whole life. To exemplify
this
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 statement, some daughters' characters probably are similar to their parents because of the genetic component including family behaviours
as well
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. If her father always teaches her in order to be a diligent person;
thus
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, she probably
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to be as experienced when she grows up. To summarize,in my opinion, I think that both of these main points,which are family and external surroundings, are equally crucial for a child's improvement.
However
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, those might impact differently depending on their style of life.

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structure
Try to ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be well-developed.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence, use a wider range of linking devices and topic sentences to clearly signal the structure of your essay and the relationship between ideas.
example use
Increase the development of your arguments by providing more varied and deeper examples to support your points. Use specific details to make your examples more compelling.
sentence structure
Work on varying your sentence structures to add complexity and interest to your writing. This can make your points more engaging and easier to understand.
task response
It's important to directly address the question throughout your essay. Make sure your opinion is clear and maintain a consistent perspective on the topic.
balanced argument
You've effectively provided a balanced view on the topic, acknowledging both external and internal influences on children's development.
introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay topic and your viewpoint, creating a clear starting point for your argument.
example use
You used examples to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments about the influence of family and external factors on children's development.
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