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Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems, sugar products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Many local and International
consumer
goods
 companies use
sugar
 to
flavor
Change the spelling
flavour
show examples
 their food and drinks, which
arises
Correct your spelling
raises
show examples
 many health issues,
sugar
 included
consumer
goods
 should be made at high prices to motivate consumers to consume less
sugar
. I totally agree with
this
 statement because I believe that people who are addicted to
sugar
 cannot be discouraged
due to
sugar containing
Add a hyphen
sugar-containing
show examples
products
 are more expensive. They will buy it whatever the
price
 mark in the product. and marketing campaigns run by
consumer
goods
 companies attract customers
while
 their
products
 are expensive. In our society many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people addicted to
sugar containing
Add a hyphen
sugar-containing
show examples
products
 since their childhood
therefore
 it is not easy to discourage them by increasing the
price
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumer
products
. They don’t consider the
price
increasement
Correct your spelling
increment
 of the
products
.
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Elephant House Beverages and Ice Cream increased their prices in 2021
due to
 the economic crisis and inflation
however
 their sales and market share have not
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
changed.
Consumer
goods
 companies run huge marketing campaigns via TV
commercial
Fix the agreement mistake
commercials
show examples
, Social
Correct your spelling
and social
 media using
celebrates
Replace the word
celebrations
show examples
 in society
therefore
 people always tend to buy their
products
 without considering the
price
 tag. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, Nestle company telecasted a TV commercial for
milo
Correct article usage
a milo
show examples
 drink featuring a famous cricketer in Sri Lanka
therefore
 many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
schoolchildren prefer to drink
sugar containing
Add a hyphen
sugar-containing
show examples
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
 like milo rather than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nutritious drinks like king coconut or fresh juice.
Submitted by chathunihperera on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic directly and shows a clear position throughout. However, working on developing a more structured introduction and conclusion could improve clarity and effectiveness.
task achievement
You have made an effort to use examples to support your points, which is good. Try to further elaborate on these examples and explain how they directly support your argument for a more compelling argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay’s structure is generally good, with clear main points. To enhance coherence and cohesion, you can work on linking ideas more smoothly between paragraphs and within them using a wider range of linking words.
task achievement
Consider expanding on the consequences of high sugar consumption beyond the context of price increase to address the prompt more broadly. This can add depth to your essay.
task achievement
Includes relevant examples to support arguments, like the Elephant House Beverages and Ice Cream and the Nestle company Milo drink campaign.
task achievement
Clear position on the topic, consistently maintained throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Attempted a structured approach with a focus on specific examples, contributing to coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
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