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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that in order to solve traffic and transportation problems people should be encouraged to live in suburbs or countryside rather cities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #traffic #transportation #suburbs #countryside #cities
In recent days, there has been an increasing number of
children
 who have been obese in many countries. I personally think that there are some possible causes triggering
this
 issue, and I believe that
this
 trend could lead to some potential long-term problems. Poor diet and bad habits could be the major causes of a child becoming overweight. It cannot be doubted that junk food is easy to be found everywhere. In
this
 modern era,
children
 consume a lot of less nutritious food that has cheap prices. Some parents are not seriously concerned about what their
children
 must eat during their growing-up age.
In addition
, wasting time on the screen for the whole day can limit
children
’s physical activities. They should go outside to play games with other
children
 because it could help them a lot to burn their calories. Obesity can create severe complications in the future,
such
 as mental illness and serious diseases. If a child is overweight, they have more possibility of being bullied by people around them.
For example
, their relatives or teachers or the same-age friends often call them by their body size or shape.
Children
 with obesity will feel less confidence to socialize and
then
 it puts them in stressful and depressed feelings.
Moreover
, the obese circumstances can affect heart health, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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raises
Correct subject-verb agreement
raise
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 blood cholesterol
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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.
Children
 who are indicated as overweight, often feel tired rather than others. In conclusion,
children
 who have too much body mass might be triggered by the poor quality of what they eat daily and their passive habits.
This
 issue can force
children
 to deal with physical and mental illness. It would be better if the governments collaborated with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Non-governmental Organizations to do a campaign for obesity prevention, so it can improve people's awareness.
Submitted by stevvileny on

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Task Response
Clarify your position more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion to align more closely with the essay topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and linking phrases to enhance cohesion.
Task Response
Provide more direct examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments and task response.
Coherence & Cohesion
Logical structure and organization of ideas throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Clear identification of causes and consequences related to the issue.
Task Achievement
Constructive suggestions for addressing the problem.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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