IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that the technology advancement enables people to entertain at home. What are the advantages and disadvantages?

#people #technology #advancement #home
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In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, many
people
Use synonyms
 are extremely dependent on modern devices. On a daily basis,
people
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 simplify their lives by using technological aids
such
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 as to communicate, work and travel. The deficits of overreliance on technology can cause physical and mental deterioration,
However
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, I believe that positives can be more significant
such
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 as saving
time
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 and energy for enjoyable healthy and social activities. On the one hand, the daily use of smart devices has created stagnant lifestyles whereby
people
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 are less active mentally and physically which leads to numerous psychological and physiological challenges. To illustrate, as
people
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 sit in front of the computer screen for more than eight hours
in
Change preposition
apply
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a day to accomplish their tasks at work, without doing manual labour, they do not get exercise and
this
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 leads to obesity and cardiovascular diseases.
Moreover
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, youngsters and
also
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 adults spend
time
Use synonyms
to play
Change the verb form
playing
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 online video games which results in a lack of ability to critical thinking and solve problems promptly.
For Instance
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, if an individual only uses a smartphone to connect with friends, when it comes to face-to-face interaction, he would not be able to think of his ideas quickly even
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
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 to depression and anxiety.
On the other hand
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, the enhancement of high-tech has alleviated much of the
time
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 and energy required to accomplish redundant daily endeavours which took much of the day for generations in the past, and has freed up many hours of the day to invest in other preferred activities. To exemplify, In the past
people
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 used their convenience
time
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 to clean their homes, walk to work , wash clothes and do dishes, which can be done now by electronic machinery like
vacuum
Fix the agreement mistake
vacuums
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, cars, dishwashing and washing machines respectively. But now,
instead
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 of these, they can spend their precious
time
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 at the park with families and friends, thereby having
a
Correct article usage
apply
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more fun and enjoyable social growth.
Thus
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, it proves that technological devices have significant advantages when used wisely.
Overall
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, breakthroughs in technology have had positive and negative impacts on human life, namely physiological and psychological challenges and, use the
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
of time
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 and energy. From my perspective, I am in support of using technology to decrease the demand for human life and increase the
time
Use synonyms
 to have a more enjoyable life.
Submitted by athulyaraj0011 on

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coherence cohesion
To elevate your score further, try to incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your ideas. This can add sophistication to your argumentative structure.
task achievement
Consider refining your introduction and conclusion for greater clarity and impact. A more striking thesis statement and a summary that succinctly reaffirms your stance can strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical progression, ensure each paragraph clearly follows from the one preceding it. Utilize topic sentences effectively to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Your essay provides a well-rounded examination of the advantages and disadvantages of technology in entertainment, showing a good understanding of the task.
task achievement
You've done well to support your main points with relevant examples, which helps to make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The organizational structure of your essay is logical, with a clear division between paragraphs that aids in maintaining the coherence of your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Advancement
  • Streaming services
  • Video-on-demand
  • Online gaming
  • Customized experiences
  • Algorithms
  • Convenience
  • Comfort
  • Social connectivity
  • Multiplayer games
  • Watch parties
  • Social isolation
  • Overreliance
  • Physical activities
  • Information overload
  • Decision fatigue
  • Health concerns
  • Eye strain
  • Poor posture
  • Disrupted sleep patterns
What to do next:
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