Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solution can be offered?
The present younger generation leads to vulnerable medical conditions which were most common among the past adult generation. One of the highlights course is fatness.
Nowadays people run after money and there is no
time
to spend with family. So there is no good sympathetic bond among the family. As a result
, parents have no time
for their children
. So modern children
have become robots. They do not have enough time
to eat, play or enjoy childhood entertainment. Hard work, an inactive lifestyle, fast
foods cause them stress and obesity.
When we Correct word choice
and fast
concerned
about young people in Add a missing verb
are concerned
this
world, they have to use modern technology for their studies. So they spend a lot of time
in front of the mobile phone, laptop and so on. Sometimes they are addicted to computer games also
. So they used to away
from athletics, indoor games, and physical activities. Not only that parents have no enough Add a missing verb
be away
time
to prepare food at home. They used to bring ready-made food or processed meals for children
. No time
for family conferences at home. Limited lives with songs, music or dramas. As a result
of these criteria, modern children
are very stressed. The most common final result is Obesity and it is a course for many other non-communicable diseases such
as Diabetes mellitus, Young Hypertension, Young Heart Attack Cancer and so on.
On behalf of our future generations' better health
we must build a good understanding among our society about Child Obesity. Add a comma
health,
Also
, Technology is very important and children
must learn but must be followed by adults. Keep away from video games. Should be acknowledged in the present society to reduce the convenience of food. Also
should be encouraged for exercise, meditation, yoga-like relaxation and
fat burn activities Correct word choice
apply
and
good entertainment and better family Correct word choice
apply
bond
.Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
Submitted by amalitharangani0 on
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structure
Your essay provides a broad overview of the topic, but could benefit from clearer organization. Consider using paragraphs more effectively to separate your ideas and make them easier to follow.
introduction/conclusion
A more explicit introduction and conclusion could strengthen your essay by clearly stating the topic and summarizing your argument and suggested solutions.
content
While you mentioned several causes and solutions, expanding on these with more specific examples and explanations would make your argument stronger.
cohesion
To enhance cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
grammar/style
Regularly check your essay for minor grammatical errors and try to vary your sentence structures for a more sophisticated style.
topic engagement
You effectively address the topic, discussing both the causes and solutions of obesity among children.
task response
Your commitment to offering a range of solutions indicates a good understanding of the essay's task requirements.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.