IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

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In recent years, the debate surrounding
childhood
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immunization
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 has intensified, with a growing number of
parents
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 expressing reservations about mandatory vaccination.
While
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 some argue that
parents
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 should be obliged to immunize their
children
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 against common
childhood
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 diseases to protect public
health
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, others assert that individuals have the right to choose whether or not to vaccinate their
children
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. One compelling argument in
favor
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favour
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 of mandatory
childhood
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immunization
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 is the collective responsibility for public
health
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. Diseases
such
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 as measles, mumps, and rubella pose a serious threat to vulnerable populations, including those unable to receive vaccines
due to
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 medical reasons. Herd immunity, achieved when a sufficient proportion of the population is immune, helps protect those who cannot be vaccinated, reducing the
overall
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 prevalence of diseases.
Therefore
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, compelling
parents
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 to immunize their
children
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 can be seen as a necessary step to safeguard the broader community.
On the other hand
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, opponents of mandatory
immunization
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 emphasize individual autonomy and the right to make decisions about one's own body and that of their
children
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. Ethical concerns arise when governments mandate medical interventions, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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challenges
Correct subject-verb agreement
challenge
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 the principles of personal freedom and parental rights. The argument for individual choice asserts that
parents
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 should have the right to make informed decisions based on their beliefs, values, and the specific
health
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 circumstances of their
children
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. Promoting informed decision-making is a crucial aspect of the
immunization
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 debate. Rather than imposing mandates, efforts should be directed towards educating
parents
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 about the benefits and risks of vaccines. By fostering a comprehensive understanding of the scientific evidence, potential side effects, and the consequences of not vaccinating,
parents
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 can make more informed choices aligned with their values and concerns. In conclusion, the
immunization
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 dilemma revolves around the tension between public
health
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 imperatives and individual rights.
While
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 ensuring the protection of the broader community through mandatory
childhood
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immunization
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 is a valid argument, it is equally important to respect the autonomy of
parents
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 in making decisions about their
children
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's
health
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that you not only present both sides of an argument but also provide specific examples to support your points. While the essay addresses the topic reasonably well, the inclusion of particular instances or data could enhance the task response score.
coherence cohesion
Maintain the logical structure of your essay, ensuring that each main point is expanded with explanations or examples that relate directly to the core topic. While the essay is well-structured, there could be a stronger connection and expansion of supporting points to bolster your coherence and cohesion score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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