IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

sports played bey children between 5 and 14 years old in Australia in 2003 task 1

#sports #bey #children #years #australia
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the bar graph shows the types of
sprots
Correct your spelling
sports
spots
 that were enjoyed by young
children
 in Australia in 2003
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and compares their popularity by showing the percentages of offspring involved in each sport.
overall
, the most popular sport among all kids 5-15 years old is Swimming at 15%, closely followed by Soccer at 12%, in fact, a higher number of
children
 go swimming and a slightly smaller percentage play Soccer.
moreover
, the largest number involves 20% of
children
, who do not play sports at all, on the other, hand the least popular activity is Cricket and martial arts , which are played by only 4% of the
children
 respectively.
lastly
, some of the sports played by Australian
children
 are more attractive than others and
while
 not all young
children
 are involved in the sport, the majority of them are.
Submitted by vivaalain on

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task achievement
The essay clearly attempts to describe the data from the bar graph, but there seems to be some inconsistency in the details provided, such as the percentages and the age range mentioned (5-15 years rather than 5-14).
task achievement
To improve your essay, try to ensure that all data presented is accurate and matches the question prompt. Double-check your age ranges and the percentages mentioned to make sure they are correctly reported.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay shows a clear attempt at organizing the information. However, the transition between points could be smoother, and the essay would benefit from using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
For a higher score, try to develop a more sophisticated introduction and conclusion. Introduce the topic more generally and conclude by summarizing the key findings without introducing new information.
task achievement
You provided a clear overview of the most popular sports among Australian children in the specified age group.
task achievement
You managed to cover a range of sports and their popularity, giving the reader a good sense of the sports landscape.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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