IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people soy thol industrial growth is necessory to solve poverty, but some other people orgue that industrial growth is causing environmental problems and it should be stopped. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #soy #thol #growth #necessory #poverty #orgue
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firstly
, the escalation of the industrial sector particularly in the soy thol product provides several advantages for society.
for instance
, it will cut off unemployment
due to
 the increasing of job fields in which the firm requires more workers.
Furthermore
, big opportunities to get a job will make the problem of poverty within the community immediately decrease in line with economic growth.
thus
, the government should be paying attention to considering the balancing of benefits in the industry sector.
on the other hand
, the industrial sector has an impact on environmental degradation and health problems for people who live around it.
for example
, the amount of CO2 released into the atmosphere as an emission of the factory might threaten the safety of many people.
Moreover
, pollution is dangerous for health if it is inhaled in large quantities, it will cause complications in the respiratory system.
therefore
, monitoring in industries should be stricter in order to minimize the impact on the human body.
Submitted by gunawankohan on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Consider including a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. This will help in providing a complete response and enhancing the overall clarity of your argument.
Proofreading
Make sure to proofread your essay for typos and minor inaccuracies to maintain coherence.
Examples
Expand on your examples by explaining how they support your point more thoroughly, which will strengthen your argument.
Language Variety
Try to use a range of sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich your essay and make it more interesting to read.
Balance
You've done well in discussing both views of the topic, showing a balanced approach.
Examples
Effective use of examples to support your points.
Logical Flow
Maintained a logical flow within paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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