IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to intoduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #intoduce #education #lessons #school #curriculum
According to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent reports,obesity has increased in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and
this
 phenomenon has put demands on the
healthsystem
Correct your spelling
health system
 to combat
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the issues that provided.
some
Capitalize word
Some
show examples
 may reckon that, the ideal way to deal with
this
 phenomenon is to establish physical lessons
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 schools,
I
Correct word choice
but I
show examples
personally believe that not only lessons
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
diet
 can play an important role.
This
 essay will discuss
this
 in detail. To commence ,
annualy
Correct your spelling
annually
 we observe the increase in the rate of fatness among elderly people,not only old, but
also
 youngsters.As
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 clear example ,the recent American news, reported the death of a thousand students in North America,which has involved many other issues for the health system of the country,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
this
 can
be solve
Change the verb form
be solved
show examples
 by adding active and vibrant lessons
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
 to decrease
this
 phenomenon.
On the other hand
 ,there are many other ways to combat
this
 problem ,
such
 as
diet
,
diet
 plays a crucial role .To make it clear , the rate of death among
vegeterians
Correct your spelling
vegetarians
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 less than people who are
overwieght
Correct your spelling
overweight
,so by consuming more protein ,fresh fruits and greens anyone can
reach
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a better
life-style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
.
To sum up
 ,
although
 education encouragement can be effective,
diet
 is a more efficient solution.
Submitted by Elisa  on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity and organization in presenting arguments. Try to use clear paragraphing to separate different ideas.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the introduction and conclusion for a stronger opening and closing argument. Include a thesis statement and summarize key points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Develop and support your main points more thoroughly. Use specific examples and details to back up your arguments.
task achievement
Fully address the prompt by offering a balanced discussion. Consider exploring both sides of the argument and clearly stating your opinion.
task achievement
Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas more clearly and fluently.
task achievement
Engages with the topic and provides a personal perspective.
task achievement
Attempts to use examples to support arguments, like the reference to vegetarian death rates.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: