Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It has been pointed out that people’s selfhood and greed have become basic parts of social value currently, and several individuals suggest that it is a necessary step to return back to the previous social values to generate a better place to live. Personally, I thoroughly agree with
this
idea as traditional values contribute to mental health and social harmony.
First of all, conventional social cultures including respect and caring for each other are beneficial to the development of healthy mental conditions. This
is because local people greet each other when meeting in public places, thus
leading to them developing strong relationships, which results in every signal person having personal resources to draw on. When they are meeting challenges and issues, their friends are more likely to provide help, which prevents them from feeling depressed, prompting excellent mental well-being. For instance
, a huge number of people who are in their fifties complain that they are afraid of sharing their personal things with their friends as they are worried that those friends may think about sharing as a way to show off, which is extremely different from what they used to. Even when they are facing problems, they have to deal with them by themselves, which makes them feel incredibly anxious.
Furthermore
, current social recognition, including jealousy, is detrimental to the development of a stable and harmonious society. The reason is that a significant percentage of individuals feel jealous and hate others who have precious items that they do not have, ranging from rewarding jobs to expensive cars, which promotes them to kill those who are privileged, thus
giving rise to a higher crime rate, impairing the social stable. As an illustration, a police officer states that a massive proportion of criminal motivations start from being jealous and selfish, which has become a major reason for crime.
In conclusion, people may vary in their opinion about whether agree with the idea of coming back to the conventional pure social cultures, while
I completely agree with this
initiative as traditional social recognition benefits the mental health of the general public and social harmony.Submitted by strawberry.guan on
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Coherence & Cohesion
Include a wider range of connecting phrases to enhance the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Introduce examples more explicitly to strengthen the argument. Mentioning specific studies, historical events, or statistical data can provide more compelling evidence for your claims.
Coherence & Cohesion
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Coherence & Cohesion
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Structure
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Logical Development
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Task Achievement
You've effectively used specific examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite
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