IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 day and age, the world is facing a major health issue
such
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 as obesity. Certain individuals believe that it is a much more pragmatic approach to overcome obesity by promoting a healthy lifestyle
instead
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 of investing in alternative medical treatments
such
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 as surgeries or cryo therapies.
However
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, I strongly agree with the statement that inculcating a healthy routine in society has more profound benefits. In the modern world,
people
Use synonyms
 have a sedentary way of living.
As a consequence
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, the obese population increasing which leads to other medical problems like diabetes and heart problems.
Secondly
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, a person has difficulty
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
breathing, carrying out normal routine work as comfortable walking and becomes tired easily
although
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 all these are
due to
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 excessive weight. To exemplify, In Karachi city, the government allocated community parks to every area in the
last
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 year. So,
people
Use synonyms
 go there daily to become physically active.
Therefore
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, there is a reduced number of obese communities in Karachi
due to
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this
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 effective measure.
On the other hand
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, it is impossible or sometimes difficult to adopt healthy living and clean eating as they are used to eating fast food and soda drinks. The concrete reason behind gaining weight is eating habits and the availability of ready-made processed foods.
Whereas
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,
people
Use synonyms
 find it convenient to opt and buy food from shops. To elucidate, the police makers should motivate and encourage the society towards healthy habits as they imparted pupils with knowledge of clean eating.
As a result
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, fast food is replaced by vegetables and fruits and soda drinks with 100% pure mineral water.
On the contrary
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, there are some concerns related to obesity as diabetes and hormonal imbalances Individuals gain weight and it is mitigated by medical treatment combined with healthy living.
To conclude
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,
although
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 gaining excess pounds is a growing concern in many countries it can be addressed as soon as possible as it has detrimental effects on a person's well-being.
On the contrary
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, the government should allocate funds for the treatment of medical-related
people
Use synonyms
 as medical intervention is the solution to ameliorate individual life and increase costs that cannot be afforded by a person.

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coherence cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting sentences that directly relate to it. This helps in making your arguments stronger and more cohesive.
language
Be cautious with grammar and punctuation. Even though minor errors can be overlooked, consistent mistakes can distract from the clarity of your argument.
language
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary specific to the topic. This not only enriches your essay but also demonstrates your language proficiency.
task achievement
To strengthen your task achievement score, ensure that your examples are directly aligned with your arguments. It's also beneficial to explore both sides of the argument, even if you have a strong opinion.
introduction
Your introduction sets the context well, effectively outlining the issue and your stance on it.
example use
You've done a good job in providing examples to support your points, such as the initiative in Karachi to combat obesity through community parks.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument, reinforcing your position and suggesting solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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