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Band 3

Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#celebrities #money #politicians #development
In
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world, famous
people
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
 more profit than
individuals
 who
work
 for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. Because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
celebrities’
Change noun form
celebrities
show examples
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 unique,
people
 give more value to celebrities, which is a negative development in my personal view. It is commonly known that celebrities gain more
money
 than
politicians
 by spending less effort. The main reason is
as
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 few
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
famous
people
 exist in
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
,
by
contrast
Add the comma(s)
contrast,
show examples
 the number of
individuals
 who
work
 in public or
government
 fields is sufficient .
However
, the
people
 who are musically gifted or have another skill which they have been famous for . So their skill is rare in terms of number, and
this
 occasion causes their cutting above
politicians
.
While
 others think celebrities’ earning more
money
 is a desirable situation, I totally disagree with that view because
politicians
work
for promoting
Change preposition
to promote
show examples
 and
contributing
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
 a lot
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 country state and
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
state
Add an article
the state
show examples
. Giving
politicians
 more profit can inspire
individuals
 to
work
 in
government
 sectors and develop the country, so
politicians
’ getting more
money
 directly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 the improvement of the country.
To sum up
,
while
 famous
people
 gaining more
money
 than
individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 for
state
Add an article
the state
show examples
 is observable , it should not be allowed by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
Submitted by quluzadenurlan107 on

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Structure
Ensure your introduction outlines your key arguments and your conclusion summarizes them effectively, reinforcing your stance.
Sentence Structure
Embrace variety in sentence structures to add sophistication and clarity to your arguments.
Argument Support
Use more specific examples to support your arguments, providing a clearer and more compelling basis for your points.
Grammar
Work on accurately using articles and prepositions, as these small errors can detract from your overall clarity and coherence.
Position
Adopts a clear stance on the topic throughout the essay, contributing to a strong argumentative structure.
Paragraphing
Good use of paragraphing to separate different ideas, enhancing the overall readability of the essay.
Balanced Argument
Touches on both sides of the argument before clearly stating a personal view, showing an understanding of the need to explore all aspects of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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