IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe it is better to raise children in the city, while others consider the countryside to be a more suitable choice. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #city #countryside #choice
There is an idea that raising
children
 in the
city
 is a better option than in the countryside, or vice versa. To be fair, both
opinion
Change to a plural noun
opinions
show examples
 are not wrong and have their own advantages and disadvantages.
This
 essay will explain why the former might be slightly superior
than
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 the latter. As we all know, people in the metropolis will always be more exposed to modern technology than the
villager
Fix the agreement mistake
villagers
show examples
.
This
 phenomenon will
also
 affect
children
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 currently in their learning phase.
For instance
,
children
 who live in the
city
 will have better
facilities
 in their school
such
 as
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
, internet, or even
library
Correct article usage
a library
show examples
.
This
 will
led
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 higher chance of having broad knowledge
due to
many
Correct article usage
the many
show examples
 learning resources available.
Moreover
, the teacher can
also
 be more competent
due to
 they
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 graduated from
reputable
Correct article usage
a reputable
show examples
 university.
Children
 who
learns
Change the verb form
learn
show examples
 in
village
Add an article
the village
a village
show examples
 cannot be considered bad, though.
Besides
 their limited
facilities
 in school, they usually tend to have
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 desire to learn. In Indonesia,
for example
, there are some students who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 walking 1 hour-long, or even
crossing
Wrong verb form
cross
show examples
river
Add an article
a river
the river
show examples
 using
boat
Add an article
a boat
the boat
show examples
, just to attend their
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 at school. From
prior
Add an article
the prior
show examples
story
Add a comma
story,
show examples
 it can be said that they have a high spirit of learning, and if they were given a chance to access the same
facilities
 as students who live in
city
Add an article
the city
a city
show examples
, it is not possible that their knowledge could be the same or even better. But in the end,
children
 who grew up in
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
 will have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better knowledge
due to
 their privileges. We cannot deny they have
better studying
Add a hyphen
better-studying
show examples
facilities
, better food
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
show examples
, better
relation
Fix the agreement mistake
relations
show examples
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their parents, and many more benefits.
Submitted by rifqiesap on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Work on structuring your essay with a clearer introduction and conclusion. Your introduction should more explicitly present the topic and your thesis statement, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion.
Sentence Structure
Pay attention to your sentence structure and punctuation. There were instances of run-on sentences and missing punctuation that could hinder clarity.
Balanced Argument
Provide a more balanced discussion by evenly evaluating both sides of the argument before stating your opinion. Make sure to support each view with equivalent detail and depth.
Vocabulary & Sentence Variety
Incorporate more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the complexity of your essay. This can make your argument more compelling and engaging.
Addressing the Prompt
You effectively addressed both sides of the argument, acknowledging the benefits of raising children in both the city and the countryside.
Examples
Your use of examples, such as students in Indonesia, is good. It helps to concrete your arguments and make your points more relatable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban environment
  • rural area
  • extracurricular activities
  • well-rounded development
  • advanced medical facilities
  • peaceful
  • less pollution
  • access to nature
  • community feel
  • foster a sense of belonging
  • natural surroundings
  • outdoor activities
  • healthy lifestyle
  • cultural richness
  • wholesome upbringing
What to do next:
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