IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Write about the following topic: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #britain #someone #home #people #nurses #government #care
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The idea of staying in a long-term
care
 home after a certain age dramatically increases. There are a few reasons behind it. Here, the topic of whether
families
 should cover old-aged home
care
 or the
government
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has sparked recent debate and controversy. I opine that both should pay for retired
people
, and I will explain my stance in the following paragraph with some examples.
To begin
 with, old
people
 had paid enough money to the
government
 in the form of taxes when they used to work. Every country's
government
 should
care
 for
people
 after a certain age by providing them with facilities or covering some of their living costs.
For example
, I used to treat an ex-serviceman; now, he has dementia and is staying in long-term
care
. He served the country in the form of taxes and duties. Now, the
government
 is paying for his treatment.
Additionally
,
families
 should
also
 take
care
 of their old ones. Life is a cycle; parents take responsibility for their children like children do when they grow up; they should cover their parents' outlay as a responsibility.
For example
, In India, there is a culture to pay all the expenses of their parents throughout the life of their kids. Based on the aforementioned reasoning, I still stand by my stance that the
government
 and
families
 both should contribute to old
people
's expenditures. The
government
 can pay for their treatment or surgeries, and
families
 can cover other monthly expenses. In my opinion,
that is
 a clear and beneficial way to take
care
 of old
people
 after a certain age.
Submitted by kiranrattu.kr on

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task achievement
Begin by clearly stating your position in the introduction to give the reader an immediate understanding of your stance. Your essay does well in providing examples to support your viewpoint; however, expanding on these with more detail or additional examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures and linking words to enhance the flow of your essay. Cohesion can be improved by more effectively linking ideas within and between paragraphs, ensuring a smoother reader experience.
task achievement
You effectively covered both perspectives on who should pay for the care of the elderly, providing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction of examples, such as the ex-serviceman, adds a personal touch and credibility to your argument, helping to illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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