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Band 7.5

Nowadays, more and more people to have children later in their life. What are the reasons? Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?

#people #children #life #outweigh
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There is a current trend that young couples tend to build families and have children in the later years of their lives.
This
 phenomenon can be the result of financial constraints from economic crises and more years invested in education. It
also
 provides benefits and drawbacks towards society, and I personally believe that
this
 trend has more positive effects.
To begin
, it is undeniable that having a baby requires a large sum of money, from birth to adulthood. Combined with recent economic crises from the pandemic and wars, there is more financial burden on basic utilities and costs of living.
For example
, the inflation rate in 2023 increased sharply than previous years.
In addition
, with the competitiveness in the labour market, young adults need more degrees and experience to secure a job.
Consequently
, the youngsters need more time to accumulate their stabilities and leads to building a family later than the previous generations.
According to
 the trend,
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
 with more maturity and stability could provide more quality time and resources for their offspring.
For instance
, people in their thirties can be calmer in handling their children. As the kids' behaviour is heavily influenced by their parents, it could result in the kids with better behaviour.
However
, when they start having babies late, they could face infertility issues, which lead to improper population proportions, and less workforce to take care of the elderly.
Although
 there is a risk of less workforce in the future, the quality population and advancement of technology could compensate for the issue. In conclusion, young people currently plan to have children in later days as a more economic burden and effort in education, which could lead to more mature parents and a more quality population in the future.
Submitted by pimpisut.sata on

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Development of Ideas
Try to provide more varied and specific examples to support your points.
Lexical Resource
Although you've made well-articulated points, incorporating a wider range of vocabulary specifically related to the topic could enhance your essay further.
Accuracy
Be careful with general statements that require evidence to support your claims, such as about the inflation rate and its impacts.
Structure
You have structured your essay clearly with a logical flow of ideas, which greatly aids in coherence and cohesion.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are both effective in presenting your topic and summarizing your argument, which demonstrates excellent task achievement.
Balanced Discussion
You made a commendable effort in explaining both sides of the argument, which shows a good balance in your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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