IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook, Zalo,...) have a negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #sites #facebook #zalo #impact #individuals #society
There is a growing trend of
individuals
 engaging with social
media
. Some argue that social networking sites, commonly known as SNS, have adverse effects on both
individuals
 and
society
. I personally concur with
this
 viewpoint
due to
 the inability of people to find contentment in their real
lives
.
To begin
 with, the use of platforms
such
 as Facebook, Zalo, and Instagram can have detrimental impacts on us. We often find ourselves comparing our
lives
 to those showcased on social
media
 by others.
For example
,
individuals
 posting about their lavish purchases or exotic vacations on Instagram may evoke feelings of discontent among those unable to do the same. Personally, I experience frustration when my workload prevents me from fully enjoying life.
This
 individual dissatisfaction can contribute to a negative atmosphere in
society
.
Furthermore
, continued use of SNS presents additional drawbacks for the general public and
society
. Many
individuals
, particularly teenagers, devote excessive time to crafting their social
media
 posts, meticulously curating and editing pictures.
This
 focus on presentation can lead to significant time wastage on social
media
.
Additionally
,
individuals
 may portray a false image of their
lives
, exhibiting wealth they do not possess.
This
 concern stems from the fact that
individuals
 prioritize appearance over genuine self-expression, potentially hindering their understanding of personal desires.
For instance
,
individuals
 often neglect to share the darker aspects of their
lives
, opting to only highlight moments of happiness to attract attention on social
media
. In conclusion, social networking sites have a detrimental impact on
individuals
 and
society
, fostering feelings of dissatisfaction and perpetuating the allure of presenting artificial lifestyles. I firmly believe that the use of SNS can be damaging to public well-being and societal harmony, an issue that cannot be easily overlooked.
Submitted by kchengii on

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Task Achievement
Though your essay presents a clear viewpoint and addresses the topic adequately, incorporating a wider range of examples and evidence to support your claims would strengthen your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Try to make your essay more engaging by varying sentence structure and using a wider vocabulary. This will also improve the readability and overall impact of your writing.
Task Achievement
Include a brief counter-argument or a comparison to present a more balanced view. This can enrich your essay and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, effectively bookending your essay.
Task Achievement
You have articulated a clear and consistent stance throughout the essay, contributing significantly to task achievement.
Task Achievement
Your personal example adds a genuine touch to your argument, making it more relatable to the reader.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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