IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many countries spend a lot of money on art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In modern society, many
coundtries
Correct your spelling
countries
expend
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 a huge amount of cost on
art
Use synonyms
. It is widely accepted that expenditure for
art
Use synonyms
 is imperative
while
Linking Words
 there is another opinion that the government authority should invest money for better health and
education
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both perspectives and present an opinion. On the one hand, investing expenses for
Use synonyms
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
 industry is essential because it could earn more money by attracting tourists.
In particular
Linking Words
, it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
common sense that tourism revenue from well-made artwork
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
show examples
 for a large percentage of total tourism revenue.
For example
Linking Words
, countless individuals
visite
Correct your spelling
visit
show examples
 the
louvre museum
Correct your spelling
Louvre Museum
show examples
 in France, which
exhibit
Correct subject-verb agreement
exhibits
show examples
 tons of
art
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
accumulate
Change the verb form
accumulating
show examples
saving
Replace the word
savings
show examples
 for
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of health and
education
Use synonyms
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
show examples
satisfaction
Add an article
the satisfaction
show examples
 of quality of life. These fundamental welfare policies make the
overall
Linking Words
 life of people more
conveinent
Correct your spelling
convenient
.
For instance
Linking Words
, individuals
reside
Wrong verb form
residing
show examples
 in developed
countries
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as the
republic
Capitalize word
Republic
show examples
 of Korea have sufficient
education
Use synonyms
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 from primary to secondary school and they can visit
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 whenever they want to go.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they tend to feel more happier compared to
develpoing
Correct your spelling
developing
countries
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, investment
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 can be
useful
Add an article
a useful
show examples
 source of income to help run
countries
Use synonyms
 whilst
promotion
Correct article usage
the promotion
show examples
 of basic health and
education
Use synonyms
 could create
satisfactory
Correct article usage
a satisfactory
show examples
 society.
However
Linking Words
, it
is agree
Change the verb form
is agreed
show examples
 that spending money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 outweighs
improved
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
welfare
Correct article usage
the welfare
show examples
 system.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
,
countries
Use synonyms
 should make efforts to develop
Use synonyms
art
Correct article usage
the art
show examples
 industry.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Remember to use a variety of complex sentence structures to showcase your linguistic capability. While your essay contains complex ideas, varying your sentence structure more could further enhance its readability and sophistication.
Task Achievement
Consider enhancing your argument by providing more detailed examples or data to support your points, especially in discussions about the benefits of investing in the arts versus health and education.
Lexical Resource
Be cautious with spelling and word choice to maintain clarity and professional tone throughout your essay. For instance, 'coundtries' should be 'countries,' and 'visite' should be 'visit'. These small inaccuracies can distract from your overall argument.
Introduction & Opinion
You’ve effectively introduced the topic and presented a clear opinion, which provides a solid foundation for your essay.
Balanced Discussion
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the importance of investment in art and the need for spending on health and education, which demonstrates good understanding of the essay task.
Conclusion & Stance
You clearly presented and concluded your arguments, reinforcing your stance effectively, which is key to a coherent and persuasive essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: