IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people argue that art, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and and the government should spend this money on pubic service To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #art #paintings #music #waste #money #government #pubic #service
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Most
people
 tend to think that the
government
 have to prioritize the usage of its money on public services rather than spending it on
art
, like paintings and music. In my opinion, I side with that argument for several reasons.
To begin
 with,
art
 may provide some advantages to a state, even a country. The types of
art
,
such
 as paintings and music, could attract local or even foreign tourists to visit the city or country, which
this
 situation could give more and more extra income to the city from the tourism
sector
. So, an incentive from the
government
 to artists or parties which have responsibility for it might play an essential role in developing all of the
art
 potential in the community.
Thus
, it may not only make a financial benefit for the city
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 for the local
people
 there.
In contrast
, the
government
 has to
also
 be wiser in spending its expenses. It must consider the priority of the
people
's needs on its territory. Something that relates to many
people
,
such
 as the public
service
sector
,
also
 becomes an important thing.
For example
, good public transport can have an impact on all parties connecting from one place to another, which can give easier and cheaper costs in the accommodation
sector
. Because all the cities are fully connected at affordable cost, it can impact the daily needs of
people
 .
Thus
, it
also
 can affect the welfare of the community.
In addition
, the good public
service
sector
also
 gives additional benefits to the tourism
sector
.
For example
, the ease of the public
service
sector
also
 becomes a vital consideration for tourists visiting the areas they go
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
To sum up
,
art
 can be a beneficial thing to increase the annual income of the
government
.
However
, the
government
 has to consider the prioritization of its expenses related to its community condition. So, I remain convinced that giving allocation to the public
service
sector
 will have more impact than the
art
sector
.
Submitted by dika2024 on

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style
To enhance your essay, try varying your sentence structures more frequently. This adds complexity and interest to your writing.
content
Consider introducing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments further. Specific examples add depth and persuasiveness to your essay.
accuracy
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos to improve the overall readability of your text. Proofreading can help catch these slips.
structure
Your essay presents a well-structured argument, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
balance
You successfully maintained a balance between discussing art and public services, showing both sides of the argument.
logic
Your reasoning is supported by logical explanations, which strengthens your position.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preservation
  • vital
  • essential components
  • fostering
  • continuity
  • economic benefits
  • job creation
  • psychological benefits
  • stress reduction
  • promote creativity
  • enhancement
  • balanced approach
  • complements
  • innovation
  • crucial skills
  • government investment
  • societal role
  • tourists
  • local spending
  • public services
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