IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Mast people agree that money cannot bring happiness. Why is happiness is difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness.

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A high number of individuals believe that money cannot bring
happiness
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. In my opinion,
people
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 have different views about
happiness
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 because they come from different cultures, and I believe that
happiness
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 can be found through
job
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 satisfaction and great
health
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.
Firstly
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, many
people
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 have different ideas about
happiness
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 because they come from different cultures.
For example
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, in the Middle East,
people
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 feel happy when they have many children.
Therefore
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, it is common to see that many young adults choose to get married once they have gotten a
job
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.
On the other hand
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, in Western cultures,
people
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 find
happiness
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 based on their income. The higher their income, the happier they are. One way of finding
happiness
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 is to have a
job
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 that
people
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 enjoy doing.
In other words
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, some
people
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 feel happy with their work even if they do not get a high income because they can help others with their skills.
For instance
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, many doctors who work in countries that have wars sometimes do not even earn a lot of money, but they still feel happy about it because they can save many lives. Another way to find
happiness
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 is to have good
health
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.
That is
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 to say, if
people
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 are not healthy, they cannot do many things, even if they have a lot of money in the bank. To illustrate, when a millionaire suffers from heart disease, he cannot do many things, namely travel around the world or eat whatever food he wants, because
this
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 will make him more sick. In
this
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 case, he can only be happy when he is in good
health
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.
To sum up
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, everyone has different views about
happiness
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 because they come from different environments, but I personally feel that
people
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 will be happy when they have a perfect
job
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 and good
health
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.

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task achievement
To further improve your essay, try to expand on your examples by providing more depth or additional examples to strengthen your argument. While the provided examples are relevant, more detailed examples could offer a stronger support to your claims.
coherence and cohesion
It would be beneficial to vary your transition words and phrases to enhance the flow of your essay. While the current transitions help in maintaining the essay's coherence, a greater variety can elevate the quality of your writing.
language
Consider revising for minor grammatical inaccuracies and ensuring sentence structures are varied to keep the reader engaged. This would not only polish your essay but also demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
logical structure
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, clearly stating your opinion and summarizing key points.
coherence
Your essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion with a well-organized structure and clear paragraphing that logically connects ideas.
specific examples
The essay provides relevant examples to support the arguments made, effectively answering the essay question.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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