IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some parts of the world, people buy far too many clothes. What are the reasons for this? How can people be persuaded to reduce the number of clothes they buy? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is no denying the fact that in some regions of the
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 some individuals purchase far too many
clothes
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the causes for
this
Linking Words
 trend and what can be done to convince people to think wisely and buy what they really need.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are many reasons why individuals buy a lot of
clothes
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they have a high income level
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they do not care about the price
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 or if they have the same colour of certain
clothes
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, they have a kind of obsession with buying new outfits.
In addition
Linking Words
, they might like to showcase differently on each occasion and to wear the latest designs that are available in the market.
For example
Linking Words
, some categories of people feel more satisfied and more confident when they have too many
clothes
Use synonyms
 in their closet. In terms of what can be done to reduce
this
Linking Words
 approach and persuade them, it is to advise them to think wisely and only purchase some kinds of outfits if they really need them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is recommended to them that they spend their money on creating private businesses that will benefit them rather than just waste their income on
clothes
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, remind them of the poverty that exists in some parts of the world, and that some groups of people cannot purchase their necessities.
For instance
Linking Words
, some African countries are really struggling with poverty, and they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 offer their families and children food and beverages. In conclusion, there are several alternative ways to spend their money, and there are tremendous ways to persuade them to reduce the number of outfits they buy.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain why people buy many clothes, but the part about how to reduce this needs more clear and direct ways.
task response
Use more specific examples. Your example about poor countries is related, but it does not clearly show how people can be persuaded to buy fewer clothes.
task response
Develop each main idea a bit more. Some points are good, but they need one more sentence to explain how or why.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. Keep this structure.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is clear, like 'Firstly', 'In addition', and 'In conclusion'. But some ideas feel repeated or not fully connected. Try to make each sentence follow the one before in a smoother way.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with too many ideas. Shorter and clearer sentences will make your meaning easier to follow.
task response
You answer both questions in the task, so your essay stays on topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are easy to find in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps the essay feel complete.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • clothes
  • buy
  • many
  • few
  • cheap
  • price
  • sale
  • shop
  • store
  • online
  • trend
  • fashion
  • media
  • ad
  • pressure
  • need
  • plan
  • budget
  • waste
  • reuse
  • repair
  • donate
  • secondhand
  • wardrobe
  • closet
  • space
  • storage
  • habit
  • impulse
  • choice
  • decision
  • quality
  • value
  • keep
  • wear
  • outgrow
  • example
  • experience
  • I
  • my
  • people
  • world
  • simple
  • change
  • buy less
  • durable
What to do next:
Look at other essays: