IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but it is also a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #form #entertainment #development
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Many people believe that shopping is not
buying
Rephrase
only buying
show examples
 what they want
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
but also
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is
kind
Correct article usage
a kind
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 of enjoyment. As far as I am concerned, there are some benefits and drawbacks to
this
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 statement
however
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 I
also
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 believe that negative sides are more than positive ones.
To begin
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 with, in
this
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 modern world, fashion and design have improved through altering society and every year different types of goods get popular so
for
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this
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 reason, people tend to buy more merchandise as they are current
soceity's
Correct your spelling
society's
 well-known trend. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 consequence, it leads to overconsumption and the ongoing problem we are facing nowadays, climate change has been
causing
Wrong verb form
caused
show examples
because
Change preposition
by
show examples
 of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
human
beings
Change noun form
beings'
being's
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 overutilization.
On the other hand
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,
manufactures
Replace the word
manufacturers
show examples
 advertise their merchandise as
good
Change the word
well
show examples
 as possible to hook consumer's attention and get some efficiency through purchases.
On the other hand
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, a group of individuals find shopping
happily
Change the word
happy
show examples
 because it satisfies their enjoyment and mental health.
As a result
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, it may lead to overspending their money on unnecessary products and free
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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.
To conclude
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, may shopping support our mental health as much as possible, it is
also
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 a primary resource
that is
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 causing some problems to
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 and individual's budget.
Submitted by nazim200709 on

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Introduction
Consider starting your essay with a more engaging introduction that clearly outlines your stance. This helps to immediately establish your position and engage the reader.
Balance Arguments
Try to balance both sides of the argument more evenly. While it's clear you lean towards viewing shopping as a negative development, providing more elaboration on the positive aspects can enrich your argument.
Use of Examples
Enhance your essay by including more specific, real-life examples to support your points. This will add depth to your arguments and make them more convincing.
Variety and Accuracy
Be mindful of repeating ideas or phrases. Aim to introduce new information or perspectives in each paragraph to keep the reader engaged. Also, watch out for slight grammatical errors and aim to vary sentence structure for a more sophisticated writing style.
Critical Analysis
You effectively highlight the negative consequences of shopping as entertainment, such as overconsumption and the impact on climate change, which shows good analytical thinking.
Conclusion
Your conclusion successfully summarises your viewpoint, reinforcing the essay's argument and demonstrating an ability to provide closure effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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