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Band 6

Some people believe that this is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both of view and give your opinion

#people #information #research #business #world
According to
 the beliefs of some
people
, it makes sense to display any
information
, that has been done in several spheres
such
 as scientific research, business, and the academic world,
while
 others feel differently and opine, as far as some
information
 is too valuable to be shared. In
this
 essay, both positions will be examined, and from my point of view, it is important that some sectors must not be disclosed. First of all, those, who firmly agree with sharing whole
information
, and keeping it available to the indigenous
people
, think that if anything discovered from science or business research is shared,
then
 others will have an opportunity to take a lesson from those cases
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or use it in their way of experience.
In addition
 to that, the process of displaying
information
 to others may decline our tendency to be greedy, since,
people
 will stop storing anything in their mind, and even if they do it,
this
 will not be useful to both sides.
On the other hand
, as investors and researchers, they approach definite goals
due to
 their consistency, the ability to
non-stop
Add a missing verb
do non-stop
show examples
 work, and experiences which played a significant role in
way
Correct article usage
the way
show examples
 of discovering. If these secrets are available across the world,
then
 some organisms will copy them in their business careers, or some of them will just use them in dangerous ways and the researchers will not have a great sense.
For instance
, “Apple” company is an ideal example. During the years, none of the other companies outnumbered the “Apple”, because of its unique constructions of technical gadgets. So here, in these cases, definite parts of any spheres have to notice that not everything of their research must be shared, if they do not want to lose their uniqueness. In essence, even if
people
 believe that sharing
information
 is good in order to exchange experiences, we do not have to forget that, it is
also
 important to keep in secret some factors of
information
, and it does not matter in which sphere.
Submitted by a.seytzhanova on

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coherence and cohesion
You should use clearer transitions between paragraphs. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to make them more specific and relevant to your points. For instance, giving a more detailed account of how Apple's secrecy benefited the company could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Try to break down complex sentences into simpler ones. It will make your essay easier to read and understand.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines both views and sets the stage for a balanced discussion in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your points and reiterates your stance on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
You have used a variety of sentence structures, which enhances the readability of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
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